Just need to feel sad

Today is a day where I think I just need to be sad. I was standing there taking a shower and everything that has happened in the past few days hit me like a ton of bricks. The entire time I found myself struggling to not be sad. Then I realized something. Why the hell was I so afraid to feel sad? Then it hit me. I'm afraid of feeling sad because I'm afraid of going back in the hospital. Something I'm not ashamed of, but kinda don't really talk about here is that I did suffer a major depression attack. I was suicidal for many reasons. One of them was trying to come to terms with my sexuality. Well since that day I have gotten better. I'm off anti-depressants and I've lived a pretty nice life, but one thing my ex will tell you is that I don't talk about my feelings much. Especially things that make me sad. Well you know what. Letting all my sad feelings out isn't going to kill me. So here is what has been bothering me.
1. My relationship with my ex. I've broken up with him, but I really think he thinks we are back together. Our apartment is cold so we both agreed we'd sleep in the same bed. He's also kissing me on the lips still. He's just doing things that make it seem like he doesn't get that we broke up. When he does he's a train wreck and it's unbearable to be in the apartment, but it's kinda the same way now.
2. My car. My car refused to start for 2 days straight. It's an old car. 1993 to be exactly. Just a year younger than my sister. It has had problem after problem after problem. I just had it's muffler fixed for $345 bucks. I think it was that much. Now it won't start and I don't have any money to fix it. I just want to junk it.
3. Living arrangements. In December I have to give 60 days notice of my intent. I can't afford that place alone. My ex has made it clear that he wants to move out. So I have to find a place in 60 days with no money. I had a place to go, but well it's part of another number that will come up shortly. So I very well might have to get a 1 way ticket to Texas and live with my mom.
4. My job. The business is not doing so hot. I could get laid off any day now. That would not help the money situation in any way shape or form. I love my job, but I know the owner can't keep paying me and himself. He's made that painfully obvious. Even after many customers have said how great I am at what I do.
5. My suitors. I have two suitors at the moment. What are those you ask. I have two guys that have made it a point to tell me they are interested in dating me. That's great because both of them have places, but well there is a slight problem. The first who was all gung ho about us being together has become quite distant. In fact when I told him I broke up with my ex he didn't seem to really have too much to say. He was the one that said if I ever need help I could call him. Apparently not. Plus in our texts last night he made it sound like I should look for someone else. In fact here is our text conversation after I told him.
Him: Ok keep ur chin up u deserve better.
Me: If you mean you then just say you
Him: You deserve even better than me (seriously dude? what the fuck)
Me: What do you mean by that?
Him: Just keep setting ur sight high and Don't let things get you down.
Then I said when things settle down can we go on a date and he didn't really give me an answer. So I just get this feeling that he truly is all talk and has no interest in me now that I'm available. The other guy is great, but he reminds me too much of my ex. Just see it ending the same way.
So those are the things bugging me and I feel better letting it all out. This should be the last time I talk about it. Today I'm going to allow myself to be sad then tomorrow should be a brighter day.
This picture reminds me of a lot of the muscle worship videos I use to watch. In my early porn days I use to frequent musclegods, muscle fantasy, and muscle worship. They were three sites all run together. Anyway a lot of their videos seemed to center around guys like this. Seem like there was a lot of weather being worn and a lot of intimidating figures. The guys always seemed to talk down to you. I personally loved it. Now not so much. Funny how things change.
This is an image of Tom Katt I got from one of my yahoo groups. The thing is the guy does look good, but he's changed for the worse. He now claims to be straight and a born again christian. Just so different from the Tom Katt you heard years ago in interviews. Makes you wonder what really went on in that head to make him turn his back on something he clearly seemed to enjoy. He claims he was only gay for pay and did it to fuel his steroids. I think he got his heart crushed by a guy and he just couldn't imagine going through that again so he went "straight".
The guy in this image is way too perfect. There doesn't seem to be a single thing wrong with him. That's the problem. It kinda looks like an illustration, but at the same time not. I don't know if they got a little too happy with the photoshop here, but this guy lost his realness. Just feels like he is far too perfect to be real. Ruins the whole thing for me.