There is that thinking again

I don't know what really brought this thought up, but now I can't help thinking about it. I think it has to do with someone I loosely know dying in a motorcycle wreck. Lately I have just been wondering what was to happen to me if my boyfriend died or what would happen to him if I died. I guess it's because I honestly am so happy with him. Part of me is scared that it might be taken away too soon. Part of dating a human is knowing that one day they will die. Again I know it's morbid and it's just like asking for something to happen, but I can't help it and it's tearing me apart inside. I can't help thinking what if my boyfriend died. A lot of bills are in his name which means I'd have to get them in my name. How am I going to get the money to pay for this? Will I go back to Texas if that happen? Would I really grieve an appropriate time before I start dating again? Stuff like that scares me. I know my boyfriend wants me to move on if he dies. He told me so several times. I on the other hand haven't really wanted to talk about it. Yes I would want him to move on when he's ready. He said he wouldn't date again, but if he did I wouldn't haunt him about it. Me I know I'd move on too fast. I don't like being single. Been single most of my life. I don't like it. I'd be sleeping with a lot of guys. I'd bury my feelings until the burst out and I know that's not healthy. I really do need to tell him that he should date again if something were to happen to me. He's too good a guy to not share himself with someone else.
I was also talking to my friend about cheating. For once I admitted that I did cheat. On my Ex I mean. Not my current boyfriend. I also came to grips of why I did it. When a guy cheats it's because he's not getting something in his current relationship. Or he's a jerk. Mine was the former. My Ex lied to me about his name for 2 weeks into dating, he lied about his age, he accused every gay male friend I had of trying to sleep with me, and he was pushy in bed. I thought I was in love, but I wasn't. My mind knew that so I sought out guys and cheated. I looked for guys that physically were what I liked and who actually talked to me and trusted me. I don't have the urge to cheat with my current boyfriend. He has most of the physical attributes I like in guys. He is there for me emotionally. He truly trusts me. I'm not saying that means that I don't see guys who I find appealing, but I don't feel that push to cheat with them. I just see his face if I was to ever do that. I know I wouldn't find someone that I feel as connected to. I may one day if something happens to us I may not. I may not have a boyfriend again. I don't know, but what I do know is that I love my boyfriend and I want to have him around for as long as I can.