Single Again

So I'm single once again. Before anyone starts jumping to any conclusions about anyone let me set the record straight. I broke up with Coach and the break up has been civil. I'm hoping it remains that way. Basically what lead me to decision to break up with Coach has been this blog. Well not the blog itself, but what I was writing. I'm still discovering who I am. I'm not 100% confident in myself and I certainly don't love myself 100%. As RuPaul says "If you can't love yourself, how in the HELL you goin' love someone else? Can I get an Amen up in here?". I'm trying and I think I'm on the right path too, but I'm not there just yet. I'm certainly a lot closer than 2 or 3 years ago. I'm also still figuring out what I want from life and what I want to do. The best analogy would be I'm wet clay. Coach is basically clay that's ready to be baked. He's got his basic structure and there are only minor changes that can be made cause it's starting to dry. I keep trying to build something up to find I don't like it so I change it. I keep looking over at other's projects and changing to copy them. With all this information in mind I need to find someone who's also still molding. That much has started to become clear to me. Especially after the guy Ted was suppose to go out with. The guy was so stuck where he was that he couldn't even possibly think of changing even a little. I like older guys, but I need to be realistic. I'm not established and it's far too easy for me to conform. Today I could mold perfectly, but tomorrow I may want something so different.
I mean you all have seen me grow in what I write. It's constantly changing just like my moods. At one time I seriously wanted to try a triad relationship. I want to pierce my nipples then I don't, then I do. I want to go back to bottoming, then I don't. I think I know what I want in a partner, then it changes. I'm suffering from classic Libra syndrome. I need time to find my equilibrium. Then when I do make minor adjustment once a guy gets added. Who knows it may in fact be Coach and I'm just scared cause I don't know what I'm becoming or wanting. I don't need to feel like I'm perfect (cause that will never happen), but I need to be able to walk in my own skin and not feel like jumping out. The best way I think is to be single this winter and if I start talking to a guy really keep my eyes open, yet remember that there should be some give and take. If I'm doing all the taking or all the giving something is wrong.