Some Deep Self Reflection

I don't really know brought about this self reflection today. I had a tough day yesterday and maybe that was it. Maybe it was a dream I had that stuck with me, but I couldn't help but think about it all during my workout today. As many of you know there are a lot of things I don't like about myself. I don't like my temper. I don't like that I hold a grudge. I don't like that I let people walk all over me. I don't like that I feel constant guilt over everything. With all that in mind I decided to dig a little a deeper. All this while I was working on my back and I came to this 1 truth. My biggest fear that basically drives me is the fear of being alone.
It's a fear I'm constantly fighting every day without even realizing it. I can't drive in a quiet car. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I have to play music. That can hold me for short trips. For longer trips I get very antsy. I mean 2 hour drives without anyone feels me with this fear and dread. Even if it's a route I've taken before it just feels me with so much doubt in myself. I have to call someone on the road or I just panic. Not only that, but I hate being on the road alone. Even if cars are passing me I know that there is someone driving that car. Driving over to Coach's place requires me to be alone on the road a lot. I fear breaking down or hitting something. All these fears come up which stem from this fear of being alone. I can't even sit in my apartment alone. I have to be watching tv or on the computer or both.
I haven't come out to my parents because I'm so afraid that I will lose them. Even though my dad has changed so much that I know he'd accept me and my mom has hinted that she would accept me I can't do it. I literally need that push to get it done. As in some life changing event that makes it impossible to hide it. I know I need to tell them and they are missing out on a part of me, but I just can't do it. That fear of being alone scares me so much. I've seen and heard so many horror stories of guys coming out that I just can't bring myself to it. 
I also have to have a group of friends. Someone I can talk to when I feel alone. I have had horrible days because I couldn't talk to at least one of my friends. My 19th b-day was so crappy because I only had a handful of people say happy b-day to me on facebook. In college I hated the weekends because 8 times out of 10 I was alone. I hate going out to eat by myself. As a result I sadly let people run over me and forgive them no matter how many times they hurt me because the thought of losing them scares me. It takes a lot for me to final cut the strings and when I do I feel this horrible guilt. I will find myself wondering if that person misses me. That's how bad my fear it.
I even twist things I believe in to keep people around. I try to avoid conflict as much as I can. Which is odd because I love conflict. I like picking little fights like who is the best singer or something like that. It makes me feel closer to the person, but somehow I get quiet. I don't fight like I should. I don't stand up for what I believe in. I don't speak up because I don't want to be alone. So I know to watch for this, but it's hard. It's just my natural instinct.
It has gotten so bad that I won't admit my biggest want out of life because it scares most guys off. I want to be a father. I want to have a kid of my own. I have loved kids ever since I was one. I always looked after those younger than me. I liked teaching them things. I see the guys that come into my store with there kid on their arms or holding their hands and I want that. Most gay men that I've run into don't want that. I know it's going to be hard and it can't be done the easy way of fucking some chick and getting her pregnant. No I either have to adopt or get a surrogate or something along those lines. That is a small price to pay to fulfill something I've wanted to do since I could remember. I've always wanted to be a dad and it hasn't changed just because I'm gay. I don't want to be a dad today or tomorrow, but I want it at some point in my life. I don't have much of a way of a life plan, but that is one of the very few things on it.