Looking at the man in the mirror

My headaches are finally gone. I was worried that the test booster I'm on was causing the headaches. Then again 3 things did change around that time. I tired a new pre-workout we got samples of, started the test booster, and we did have some heavy rain also roll through. Well now that my head isn't pounding I'm able to think and focus again. My Sunday was pretty uneventful. Sadly Ted's date fell through. He was one of those guys that's so flighty. Even when he finally called he wouldn't commit, but more on that later.

So I got a lot of people (3 which is big for me) mentioning that they feel the same way about the fear of being alone. It's not really shocking when you think about it. I think the world kinda comes down to 2 main fears. There are those of us that fear being alone. We are sadly the type that are serial daters. We do what we can to keep from being alone. It affects our moods. The other is a fear that happens as we get older or get hardened to the world. And that is the fear of losing one's individuality. The guy Ted was suppose to date I think falls under that 2nd fear. He's so stuck in his ways that there is no room for anyone else in his life that might upset that. Granted he is also so hidden in the closet he's finding Christmas presents. He's worried that if anyone found out he was gay he'd lose his jobs. He's self employed, works for a bank, and does taxes in the winter. For individuals like this they get so wrapped up in being alone or their job or whatever that they don't like to be disturbed. A second person will do that. Now I'm not saying you can't have a little bit of both (I personally think I have like a fourth that fear and 3/4ths being alone), but that one is typically dominant. Kinda like in genetics.
I know that this test booster is working because I'm being a hell of a lot more introspective (your word of the day). I think it's because being on a test booster raises my self confidence which allows me to really look at myself without getting down. Today what I realized is that I can not live a planned out life. What I mean is that I simply do not like having a plan for everything. It's kinda like a vacation. You typically have some idea of what you want to do and where you want to go, but you also make time for yourself to just explore or do nothing. That was one of the problems me and Ted had. He had to plan everything out. Even on vacation. We couldn't just say hey let's go to this city, do this thing, then just go around town. No everything had to be planned out and that's one reason why I didn't like going anywhere with him. When I went up to my dads we had plans, but we did a lot of improv. We were going to go to their gym on that Saturday, but we were all just so tired that we said screw it and stayed in a bit longer before going out. It's a fine line for me. What seems like over planning one day may not be tomorrow or the previous day. It also depends on what subject I'm planning.