Happy Halloween

Yep it's that time of the year again. I went ahead and dressed up today. I got some scrubs from goodwill awhile ago so I'm wearing them today. I'm a doctor or a nurse. Whichever I'm not too picky. And just fyi, I'm so glad I don't have to wear scrubs all the time. I wish I wore tighter underwear. A boner would be very obvious today. Plus they do not keep the cold breeze out. Did wear an undershirt though. You can find pictures of the two on my twitter profile. Adam apparently likes the one of me in an undershirt. So now onto the images that I promised yesterday.

 The fun thing about comics is that you can make the guys exactly how you want. Will say that if I was wearing the bear suit I'd look pretty much like that. Well at least nipple wise. Must say in this case less is more. Wouldn't mind going to the halloween party these guys are going to.

 If Jason went around like this I think he'd have a far easier time killing. Especially at a costume party. You think oh it's just some guy shirtless wearing a mask. Wow he's built maybe I should go talk to him. That's how he'd get you.

 This reminds me of a scary movie, but I can't remember which one. Want to say it had something to do with radiation. Or maybe I'm thinking of those little creatures from the movie Van Helsing. I don't know with my mind anymore.

I probably would have gone to see the third batman movie if bane looked like this. The thing with Bane is that he has a serum flowing threw him that increases his muscle mass and strength. Plus there is no way he would have been smart enough to pull something like making an entire football stadium collapse. This is the guy I think of when I think of Bane.

Proof is in the picture

Yesterday I changed my bear profile's main picture. I figured it was time for a change and the picture I was using was over 2 years old. Well I've gotten a few new looks because of it. I think it helps I took the picture when I was at the gym. It was after my chest day. Do wish my shirt clinged a little more. That reminds me I'll have to take another one pretty soon. I recently weighed myself and I'm up 3 pounds. Ted keeps saying that I look bigger, but I kinda need to hear that from anyone else right now. The guy still wants to be with me so his opinion is a little biased. Then again I could wait until next week to take the picture since I plan on getting on an nitric oxide product. The annoying thing about my body in winter is that it always leans out, so I figure if I bulk up as much as possible that will look good for when it comes time for everyone to get back in the gym. I'll look like I know what I'm talking about which means more sales. Or maybe it's just my way of moving on and focusing on me. Either way it certainly doesn't hurt.
My plans with the guy for disc golf on Saturday are still a go. I'm looking forward to it since it's a nice fun activity. Puts no pressure on either of us. Maybe we will do more next time, maybe we will just be friends. I'm not really getting my hopes up this time. It is nice that he actually texts back. And he will from time to time text me after a gap of us not talking. Like I said we'll see how it goes.

 With Halloween tomorrow I figured today I'd share with you some of my pictures from earlier in this blog's history. I finally found a way to do this so here they are. This one is a very nice paint job. One side is the guard and the other is the prisoner. It amazes me how artistic some people are. Too bad it's way too cold up here for someone to ever do this as their costume.

 What's Halloween without a little Hellboy? Not going to lie about the fact I do have a bit of a crush on him. Ron Perlman did a good job as Hellboy and boy was he buff. Kinda wish he was chasing after me instead of Liz. I wouldn't have spurned him.

 This is an image from the french artist Logan. I know his style anywhere. I looked at enough of his images to know this. It's a nice little duality going on. You have a monk (you can tell by the shaved top) getting fucked by satan. Seems like it's from his halloween collection as opposed to any specific comic.

This isn't really halloween related, but it is a guy in a mask. Turns out I didn't have a lot in the way of "scary" images, but then again I think you'll forgive me since this guy is pretty solid.

Changed my mind

My blog today was going to basically talk about how pissed off I am at Ted for the stunt he pulled Saturday and Sunday, but I figured there was a more pressing topic that I should take up instead. I've been talking to a read via twitter and he pointed out something that got me thinking. Without getting into he said he said, basically he brought up that he sometimes doesn't want to get into a relationship because he doesn't want to deal with a break up, exes like mine, or having his heart hurt. So it wasn't a hard choice to choose between anger or helping someone out.
As much as it sucks breaking up and/or heart break does come with being in a relationship. Know what else can come with being in a relationship? Love and happiness. I haven't had the best luck relationship wise and certainly not ex wise, but I don't plan on giving up. I don't give up because the possibility to find someone that makes me happy every day I'm with them far outweighs possible break up and heart ache. It's a gamble of course, but what in life really isn't? It's so easy to not do something out of fear. Personally I'm expecting more heartache in my future, but I can either decide I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, or branch out there and possibly end up with a man I love for the rest of my life.
If you do have a break up or a terrible ex it isn't the end of the world. You learned something from that relationship whatever it may be. For me I learned that I need to date guys closer to my age because older guys seem to be able to control me. I learned that if a guy lies to you about his age or name right off the bat, run the other way. I've learned do not move to be with someone just because you get along with each other over the web. So on and so forth. With all these things hopefully my next relationship will be much better. As for the heartbreak, if you have good friends and family you will be able to get through it. Some days will be worse than others, but you will get through it. I think the real heart ache will come from being so afraid to try to be with someone that you end up alone.
So basically it comes down to this. Yes being with someone has it's risks. Yes heartbreak sucks and is a possibility, but you'll regret it more if you don't even try. I am and always will be a romantic. I continue to hope that I will be with someone. If me saying it doesn't prove it, then maybe my actions will. I started talking to a guy my age on manhunt on Friday. We moved it to text and have hit it off well. On saturday we are planning on playing disc golf in the park. This guy could end up in a relationship with me or we could just remain friends. I won't know until I try and I will only wonder if I don't. If we do end up as a couple then I'll take it from there. If we are just friends I won't give up searching. I am not and will not hide out because I have been hurt in the past. I know too many guys that let that hurt and fear of being hurt drive them to end up alone. They then get into the vicious cycle of wanting to be with someone, but afraid to try leading them to feel alone. That is my advice to that reader and to everyone else. Now if you are wanting to be single for the rest of your life then just ignore everything I said.

In honor of Halloween being on wednesday I figured I'd post this picture. That is in fact me wearing my ninja turtle pajamas with a boner. I forgot what I was doing, but it was a Saturday night. Anyway just showing that even my boner can "dress up" for Halloween.

Videos

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It's going

That's pretty much how I feel about my dating situation. Not really making too much head way. Like I said I would try to contact one new guy per day on manhunt, grindr, scruff, or any other media I have. Well so far I've only had one real conversation arise. So I'm making good headway don't you think. The guy is nice enough, but not sure where it's going to go. The thing is I'm not sure if I'm being too picky right now, but then again after the last few relationships I have I guess I should be.
First off he's unemployed. I know that shouldn't affect anything, but it does. Means that I'd have to do most of the paying and that doesn't make me feel comfortable. Then on top of that I think he's a guy who does drag. I'm friends with him on facebook and I went through a few of his photos since the photo of him is as franken furter from Rocky Horror picture show. Which is one reason why I wanted to view those photos in the first place. Then wham there they were. Photos of him in drag. I don't have anything against guys who do drag, I just don't want to date one. I know it seems shallow and I'm not saying it isn't, but I just haven't seen a masculine guy do drag. I'm attracted to guys. I like beards, body hair, a nice deep voice, and a guy I can watch football with. This guys photo on manhunt was of him with a beard. And he looked pretty masculine in it. I guess I shouldn't jump to conclusions. Not like he asked me out or anything. We've only talked for a day. And on top of that I did say I was looking for more friends my age. Guess I better calm down and just let things happen. I'll ad mit it, I'm not the most patient man in the world.

 Ok it takes balls to wear something like this out in public. Technically he isn't nude, but still it doesnt' leave anything to the imagination. I'm sure it's a great way to pick up guys. Just can't help but wonder where is this?

 Just a fun pose. Fun to imagine myself crawling up his legs slowly to suck on his dick.

 I found this on roids and rants awhile ago. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with Marvel comics, but that is suppose to be the Black Panther mask, not Batman. I can't tell if a bodybuilder actually wore this during a competition or if it was doctored. Can say I'm pretty sure T'Challa (the guy who is the current Black Panther) was never this build. He did have a good build on him though.

Now this is a bear I wouldn't mind tying up to my bed. Got all the beef in all the right places plus I do love full on beards.

A lot to say

Today I'm slowly getting back to my old self and boy do I have a lot to say. Not about me personally, but just thoughts I have once again running throughout my head.
Last night I was watching the Soup on E! network. If you aren't familiar with the Soup, basically it's a clip show that takes different segments of shows from the week and presents them in a funny way. One thing that caught my attention was from a show on VH1 called I'm Married to A.... This week that show followed a woman married to a gay porn star. If you are asking which one the answer would be Reese Rideout or Nick. They also showed a clip of it on Chelsea Lately. The opinion I have regarding that are wide and varied. I guess I'll go with my initial thought. As mean as it is, what I first thought was that his wife was pretty unattractive. I mean she looked like his beard. She looks like she's a woman that puts up with him doing gay porn because she doesn't have any other option. Like I said it's mean and I know it, but it's what I thought. I mean she looked uncomfortable even discussing it in front of the cameras. He on the other hand seemed to be flaunting it. I also heard (in the clips) this justification for doing it in his head. One being that he's providing a lifestyle. Which lead to my other thought.
How much is this guy making off of pretending he's gay and doing it with dudes. Then again I guess I shouldn't be shocked. Who cares about the personality if the body is right? I will admit that I can get turned off very quickly by the personality someone presents. The sad thing is that him appearing on that show won't put a dent in how much he makes or his fan base. Just goes to show gay porn is truly being taken over by the gay for pay guys. The ironic thing is that when Jack Wrangler got married gay men were so outraged that tons of gay porn stores refused to sell anything he was in. If that was to happen now he'd probably become more popular. What does that say about us gay men?
Then to play devil's advocate I think why am I getting so upset. This is kinda a double standard. If a straight woman does lesbian porn it's no big deal. Hell it seems like it's every straight guy's fantasy to have two women go at it in front of him. So what is the difference with a straight guy doing it. I guess it is again because of society. I know I've grown up watching shows that mention guys wanting to see girls go at it or that a threesome of two girls and one guy is way better than 2 guys and one girl.
Hard to believe all these thoughts came from clips of a show. Going to show my head is back into full swing. I also signed back up for manhunt. I'm just going to be really picky about who I talk to. Sadly I already have a couple that lives an hour away interested in me. They would just love to meet me. Which is funny cause I totally said one on one in my profile. I sent two e-mails to two different guys and got one back. It's a start. Then out of the blue I got quite an e-mail from this bottom guy. It said this:
Shuld come to marshfield some time and make me ur piss and cum dump pig! Callin me. Bitch... cunt...faggot.. wutever and shoot ur loads down my throat and in my ass.. then every time u piss .... Piss all over me on my bed drenchin me my bed and pillows man!
I didn't alter that e-mail in anyway. I'm shocked by this e-mail for so many reasons. The first being that he randomly capitalizes and misspelled should and whatever. The other being that someone really wants to be degraded that much during sex. Plus who wants their bed smelling of urine? I guess I keep forgetting that not everyone has the same view of sex. I'm more of a romantic guy in bed. I don't like calling someone bitch or cunt or faggot while having sex. I don't like to use my partner in that way. Maybe if it was a roleplay that we do once and awhile, but not an every day occurrence. Plus I'm pretty sure this guy likes to bareback and that ain't happening. Welcome back to the dating world huh?

I can totally see this being a porn scene. A guy playing on the computer when he looks out the window to see his hunky neighbor jacking off. They both jack off when the neighbor notices that he's being watched and signals the guy over. I'm sure it's been done before.

Guy PMS

I swear I'm guy pmsing this week. No I'm not bleeding, but I think my hormone levels are fluctuating. Seems like I'm a bit moodier than normal. Also could be the fact that the break up is finally hitting me. Also didn't help I had a crappy day yesterday for several reasons.
The first is that I was on the hunt for a site I could get on to find guys in my area to talk to. I found a few...that require you to pay in order to contact anyone so they were a waste of time. You see I live in a city with a population of 50,000. That sounds great, but it's also a conservative city so it's hard to find guys that are gay in an every day setting. There are 3 gay bars, but the same guys go there at the same time every week. Basically it's not a place to look for something serious or a guy to be friends with. So with that in mind I'm pretty picky about the websites I join. Seems like every website has guys more located in Milwaukee, Madison, or Green Bay. Those are drives for me and I'm not doing it. If I lived closer to one of those cities then I think finding a guy to be at least friends with wouldn't be so hard. I think that's why the big concentration of guys from my area are on sites like squirt or manhunt. The sites that let you do things even if you are a free member. I may give match.com a try once Ted's membership is done. I just don't want to spend money to find out there is no one in my area to talk to or even remotely interested in me. So that means I might have to go back onto manhunt as much as I REALLY don't want to. As for growlr, grindr, and scruff I guess I'll try to talk to one new guy a day and hopefully a guy will talk to me. Correction one will talk to me and keep talking to me. Seems like you can't get a guy to say more than a few words at a time.
The other thing that was bothering me was this situation with Ted. I mean I appreciate he was trying to make me feel better by giving me a rose, but I don't want a rose from him. I want it from some guy I actually would like to go on a date with. Plus he just bombarded me with all these cards and notes and e-mails that it got to be too much. I'm fine with something nice, but I don't want the guy to go overboard. Then he gets mad at me last night for not showing more appreciation. Pointing out how many guys gave me flower. I can tell you none did because I'm not that type of guy. I don't like getting flowers. I rather have a stuffed animal personally. Plus when I'm feeling down not much can bring me up except for getting a lot of business at work or watching something that makes me laugh. Anyway he apologized today for what he said and asked for a new start and for me to not hold a grudge. Well that's hard for me to be honest. It's things like that, that make me not want to date him.

If I slept on my back this would probably be what I look like in the mornings. Well not really since my dick doesn't stick straight up on my back. Ok so it's not me in the slightest, but I wouldn't mind waking up to see my boyfriend like this. I'm so naughty.

Well that was quick

So I broke up with Coach Saturday and it's amazing how quickly things have moved. On saturday he was all on about deleting his bear and never trying to find someone to date again, to yesterday updating his profile back to that he's looking. In a way I'm hurt, but at the same time not really. I'm hurt in that he so quickly moved on. Now yes I broke up with him and yes it's because I need to work on me so I've chosen not to try to date again, but again it seems like such a quick change. He even asked me if I knew any other sites to find someone. I guess I shouldn't be holding Coach to my clock. I mean he did bring up the issue of living together and rings first. Just would be nice if he at least waited a few more days before asking me that.
I think to make matters even worse on Sunday Ted asked me to consider dating him again. He asked because he thought I'd be looking for someone almost right away and wanted to make sure he threw his hat in the ring. Well he didn't bring it up yesterday which is nice cause I'm not looking right now. Well this morning as I'm getting ready to open up and this guy knocks on the door. He has a white rose in his hand and says that it's for me. I open up the card and it says from my secret admirer. Well that was the icing on an already fabulous day (holy crap I had trouble spelling fabulous). I know Ted's hand writing and I use to call him my white rose. Plus he had sent me an e-card this morning. If it's not him that sent the flower I will be truly shocked.
The other urge I'm dealing with is trying to not hook up. Usually after a break up I go on a slut bender where I do a lot of hook ups. Well this time I'm trying to be good and keep my dick out of anyone's mouth or ass.  Probably would help if I didn't watch porn, but oh well. I guess what it's really about is having another person there besides me. Hell even if a guy just wants to watch porn and jack off that's fine. I just like knowing someone else is there. It's hard to be good isn't it?

So now I'm trying to decide if I should move forward in trying to date (at least put myself out there) or continue to wait. I mean things with me and Ted are good and I honestly don't want to mess with that. Plus I think I'm going to date only guys closer to my age. I kinda am not looking forward to it cause most guys my age are pretty shallow. It's a pain to even get one to talk to you. Hell I'd just settle for a few friends my own age. Well I guess the first step is to get out there if I want to even make friends. This is where you guys come in. Are there any sites where guys actually talk. The problem I'm dealing with is that I'm in a small town and not a lot of guys from here or near my area, so the more sites I'm on the better. If you have any suggestions feel free to leave them in comments or send me a tweet on twitter. Just fyi don't suggest gay.com or manhunt because both those sites I've tried and both have failed me. I also want to thank everyone that sent me a message or a tweet asking how I was doing. It does mean a lot to me that you guys did that.

Single Again

So I'm single once again. Before anyone starts jumping to any conclusions about anyone let me set the record straight. I broke up with Coach and the break up has been civil. I'm hoping it remains that way. Basically what lead me to decision to break up with Coach has been this blog. Well not the blog itself, but what I was writing. I'm still discovering who I am. I'm not 100% confident in myself and I certainly don't love myself 100%. As RuPaul says "If you can't love yourself, how in the HELL you goin' love someone else? Can I get an Amen up in here?". I'm trying and I think I'm on the right path too, but I'm not there just yet. I'm certainly a lot closer than 2 or 3 years ago. I'm also still figuring out what I want from life and what I want to do. The best analogy would be I'm wet clay. Coach is basically clay that's ready to be baked. He's got his basic structure and there are only minor changes that can be made cause it's starting to dry. I keep trying to build something up to find I don't like it so I change it. I keep looking over at other's projects and changing to copy them. With all this information in mind I need to find someone who's also still molding. That much has started to become clear to me. Especially after the guy Ted was suppose to go out with. The guy was so stuck where he was that he couldn't even possibly think of changing even a little. I like older guys, but I need to be realistic. I'm not established and it's far too easy for me to conform. Today I could mold perfectly, but tomorrow I may want something so different.
I mean you all have seen me grow in what I write. It's constantly changing just like my moods. At one time I seriously wanted to try a triad relationship. I want to pierce my nipples then I don't, then I do. I want to go back to bottoming, then I don't. I think I know what I want in a partner, then it changes. I'm suffering from classic Libra syndrome. I need time to find my equilibrium. Then when I do make minor adjustment once a guy gets added. Who knows it may in fact be Coach and I'm just scared cause I don't know what I'm becoming or wanting. I don't need to feel like I'm perfect (cause that will never happen), but I need to be able to walk in my own skin and not feel like jumping out. The best way I think is to be single this winter and if I start talking to a guy really keep my eyes open, yet remember that there should be some give and take. If I'm doing all the taking or all the giving something is wrong.

Videos

Today's first video is one of my favorite. It's from one of the Buckshot minute man videos. This one features Ward Austin. Basically Ward is wanting to inquire about a groundskeeper job, but doesn't find anyone. He stumbles onto a room with a mirror which means he has to stop and pose infront of it. He then finds some leather and a cowboy hat and well just watch. Next up Kake and Dave decide to have a little fun. I will say one reason why I like Smoking Hunks videos is because they do tend to favor the cop roleplay and well I like cop roleplays. Third up is a video with a fresh out of retirement Jake Deckard. In this his "boyfriend" wants to go take a shower, but Jake has other plans. Another video that plays to a favorite of mine. There are certain smells that just turn me on and a guy fresh from the gym is one of them. It's just enough BO to be a turn on without being over powering. The best way to describe this next clip is simply "screw yard work".  You see it works on two levels. There is screw, yard work as in forget doing yard work and screw yard work meaning you are working in the yard by screwing. I'll also kinda ignore that fact these guys are hispanic doing yard work. I swear I notice the most random things. This fifth clip is another favorite of mine. It stars Titpig and Buster. Two bears I find incredibly sexy. This was the final scene of some movie about T rooms. Last up is a bareback clip. I'm posting it mainly because it's a pretty hot fuck. Just more proof of why I think long drawn out sessions are much better than several quickies.

http://mymusclevideo.com/media/27556/Colt_BB_JO_-_Ward_Austin/

Sexy latino studs have hot anal pounding outside

Self time

I think that the store opening up an hour later is the best thing that happened to me. I think the reason why I've been so introspective is more about that extra hour all to myself v.s. the test booster. I mean I work alone most of the time, but I'm constantly on the look out for customers or playing facebook games. At night Ted is there so I don't really get alone time unless a debate is on or he wants to get to bed early. Amazing how much you can discover about yourself when you spend just an hour doing what you want to do.
I was talking to a guy on twitter who was asking about which guys are straight and which aren't. I then got this crazy idea in my head. What if there are some gay guys out there who are just pretending to be straight to be in demand porn wise. It seems that what's hot right now are gay for pay guys or these sites where straight guys are seduced. I do know that there are some guys on those sites who do pretend to be straight. How easy would it be for some guy who doesn't have a boyfriend to say, oh yeah I'm straight and play the part. Or better yet how many of these gay-for-pay guys end up with a guy once they realize the joys of guy on guy action. Or at the very least are hooking up with guys on the side. A fair question when you think about it. Yes I find some straight guys attractive, but I leave it at that. I have no interest in getting my heart stomped on by pursuing one. I had a friend of mine who did that, and yes he got crushed. He couldn't let it be simply a crush. He pushed and pushed and yes one night he got to play with the straight guy's cock because he was drunk. He fooled himself into thinking oh I bet he's curious and I can get him. Well long story short the straight guy got a girlfriend who was a friend of my friend. He texted the straight guy something explicit and the girlfriend read it. A fight of course broke out and the girlfriend and the straight guy broke up then got back together. My friend can now not talk to either of them. The entire time I was warning him not to do it.

I often wonder if this is what I really started beefing up. Like I keep saying I'm only 5' 6". I imagine this guy is around my height. I say that based on how low that house in his hand is to the ground. Anyway as you can see the dude has massive legs. My legs are by far the strongest body part on me so if I was to put on more size on the lower half before I would the upper half. My back and legs were the first parts of my body to really change and start putting on size. My chest and arms followed after. So I suspect this is what I'd look like.

Fun discussion

I was talking to one of my friends on bear and we started talking about cock sizes. He mentioned that he'd like to try a 9 inch dick at least once. Me not so much. My first boyfriend had an 8 inch dick and honestly that was big enough. Before I started actually having sex I would have said I was a bit of a size queen. That changed as I started to bottom and as I saw more dicks besides my own. For me the ideal range is about 5-8 inches. The reason being that that's around the average. I've only come across a 2 inch dick once, and it was on a guy who was like 6' 4". He told me his boyfriend always wants him to top, but I just have a hard time believing that. Anyway I wouldn't kick a guy out of bed soley on his dick size. If a guy had a 9 incher I'd be pretty apprehensive about letting him top. The reason being that some guys are not as gentle as others. When I was looking for guys and they saw the size of my dick I often got that it was big or that they were worried about taking me. Mine is at most a 7 incher. I can only imagine what guys who are 8, 9, or even 10 get. I just don't want to even think about taking something bigger than an 8. The conversations us gay men have.
Another thing I discovered about myself today was that I'm kinda easily guilted. Well not sure if guilted is the right way of putting it. Let me use an example. In 9th grade I had a really cool government teacher. My entire class respected him. Well I want to say the 3rd day of his class he had given us an overnight reading assignment. Or maybe it was the first day. Anyway the next day he simply went around the class and asked us if we read it or not. The first person that honestly answered no basically broke all of our hearts. My teacher looked at him (or her), and said I'm very disappointed and continued on. All of us just felt so low. Like we had done all done something wrong. Luckily I had read (a couple minutes before class), but still I felt it. That's kinda what happens with me in life, but it doesn't work if just anyone does it. My parents use to do it to me all the time. That was probably the worst punishment I could get was being told that they were disappointed in me. Today that still holds true. The closer I am to a person or the more I value their opinion the more it hurts when they say they are disappointed in me. If some random person on my blog was to say that, it wouldn't bother me because I know I'll never meet the person and if I did they wouldn't know it was me. Now yes I should work on that, but at the same time I really don't want to. I guess because I know that even though it can ruin my whole day, it does keep me from doing things I know I'll regret.

Anyone else wondering where this happened? I use to be a fan of professional wrestling, but quickly out grew it when the WCW disappeared. I didn't care for the WWF and still don't. Anyway I know that they are staged and the hits are pretty fake, but sometimes things like this happen. All it takes is grabbing the wrong place and pulling. Will say the guy has an amazing back so I'm sure he's built all over. And he's got quite the ass on him. Sadly I can't see the faces of the people in the audience. I'm sure they are smiles and chuckles.

More trains of thought

I was thinking about well everything and I settled on this one thought. I have never lived alone. I mean I really had to stop and think about that. I don't know if it's because of the fear of being alone or because I'm a guy who is almost always in a relationship where I move in. First I lived with my parents, then lived in a dorm with a roommate (yes both roommates were rarely there, but still I wasn't living alone), then I moved in with Ted and am still there with him and soon to be Coach. I wonder if that has helped or hurt me. In one way it's helped, I respect personal space and clean up after myself, but at the same time I guess I never learned to be ok with just me. Hell when me and Ted were talking about living in separate apartments I was scared to death. Then again that was more for finance reasons. Just another of the many things I've been thinking about. With that said I'm kinda done being introspective for the day (well at least for now) so picture time.

 I keep getting told (specifically by Coach) that when I get older I'll thicken up. I guess I haven't really thought about really looking like this guy here. I mean yeah it would be great, but at the same time, I guess I'm not ready to take that next step which is really working on my diet to get bigger. Plus I know once I get older I'll be less body conscious.

 The guy in this picture went by the name of Dane. He did a jack off video for a studio, but I can't remember which one. I think it was mike hancock. Anyway he looks a bit more cut than he did in that video and based on the shaved body I assume he's a bodybuilder now. I think honestly that's the only excuse for shaving your body. Then again I'm a guy that likes an all natural guy.

 I know this is a fake vintage photo (check the mustache), but I still like it. It kinda reminds me of that Scooby Doo episode where they had that ghost clown haunting the circus. The strong man dressed pretty much exactly like this. Now of course strong men weren't built quite like this guy, but I still found them sexy. I really don't know specifically what it is.

I don't know this guys name, but I've seen him in several video clips. Usually he bottoms. One thing you might notice is that his dick is curved downward. I really do wonder how that happens. I know my dick leans to the left cause of how I jack off, so is that why a guy's dick points downward. Is it because of how they jack off or does it just kinda happen. Plus I wonder how would it feel to get fucked by that. I guess I over think it when I look at it. I know that when my dick is hard it's pretty rigid and I can't imagine it pointing downward would be comfortable or easy to get it in. Would I kick this guy out of bed, hell no. Would I prefer to be the top, yeah.

A lot on my plate

Today is feeling like a major Tuesday. It's partly cloudy and I have an order I need to get placed. Just a lot to do work wise. Then there has been tons of stuff on my mind. Kinda starting to piss me off thinking this much. Then again thinking keeps me out of trouble. Plus it is about stuff to better myself as a person.
One thing I forgot to mention is that Scott contacted Coach the other day. For those of you that don't know about Scott let me fill you in. Scott wanted to date me (while dating someone else) then didn't and stopped talking to me (unfriended me on facebook and on yim). Then he started to talk to me again and readded me as a friend and on yim and wanted to date me again. Then he didn't want to date me again, but wanted to stay friends. Then he moved in with his new partner like 2 weeks or a month after they met. The thing about Scott is that he dominates conversations. You may get a minute or two, but it quickly moves on to him. Well in July or August or whenever I got fed up with him and called him out on his stuff. He kept talking to me like I was sleeping with a different guy every night and when I said I deserve respect and to not be treated like I'm a slut he said ok I'll stop bothering you and unfriended me on facebook and yim again. Recently he started talking to me (after he found out I was dating Coach), and by talking I mean very surface questions unless I was talking about him and his new guy. Coach has also had a run in with Scott. Scott wanted to date Coach then didn't and said his life was perverted and warped or some crap like that. Well he basically said he was happy for us and that me and him are "good friends". Raise your hand if you think that's a lie. Yeah it is. See Scott is like another guy I knew back in Texas. I helped this guy through a divorce and two failed relationships, but when I was having relationship problems with Ted and finally broke up with him guess where he was. He was too busy looking for a job. Yep looking 24/7. Did have time to play an online game though. Basically now that he was happy all his "friends" got treated like crap. Wouldn't be surprised if I hear from him when him and his boyfriend have serious problems or break up. Well Scott is exactly the same way. He isn't a friend to other gay guys. If you are single he basically reminds you of it any chance he gets or treats you like you are a slut. He will gossip about you, and clearly won't help you with any problems you may have. So no he isn't my "good friend". I wouldn't even use the word friend to describe him. And I'm certainly not talking to him in any depth until he apologizes and shows me he changed which he hasn't and won't.

I get Men's Health magazine for free because of my airline miles I used. There was an article in it talking about porn. It starts off talking about how the author walked in on his dad jacking off to porn and how it later lead to his parents getting a divorce and a fear of porn. To be honest I get tired of hearing that. I was at this retreat where someone recounted pretty much a similar story. How her dad had to go get help and it took her a long time to forgive him. Now I should mention this was a christian themed retreat (I went there one semester just to see what it was like. It was actually pretty fun minus a few episodes like that). What bothers me about thinking like this is that they make it sound like it's truly devastating to watch porn. Let's get something clear. A porn addiction is pretty rare and 2nd porn is not cheating because it's a fantasy. Women have fantasies all the time and it's not cheating. They read novels like Fifty Shades of Gray and that's not cheating. Is the difference that it's imagined? The answer is no there is no difference. Porn is a tool. I watch it (obviously) and started watching it because I was curious about gay sex. Did it leave it's impression yes, but I think that's a good thing. It helped me to establish what I like and what I don't like. I like romance and a lot of touching. I dislike the whole straight guy genre that has popped up. You know seducing a straight guy type stuff. I think the problem with porn comes in when two people can't acknowledge it or feel they have to keep it a secret. If Coach had a problem with me and porn or looking at photos of guys he would have said so a long time ago. Hell he wants to watch porn with me. It's a tool to spice up a love life or just to get things revved up. It's only a deal breaker if you let it or the person can't be with you or you can't be with a real person without porn playing in the background.
There are some days where it feels like I'm 24 going on 48. What I mean is that it feels like I have to know where I'm heading and be stable and I think that's one of the reasons why I've been feeling so weird. I mean I'm 24 years old. I'm not even at a quarter of a century yet (damn close though). I need to slow down and enjoy life or it will pass me by pretty quick. It's pressure I've put on myself growing up I think. I'm trying to do more going with the flow instead of living by a schedule that I had in my head at an early age. Life never works out exactly like we plan it.
On top of that I've been getting these uneasy feelings lately. It kinda started when I got on my test booster, but I think the feelings are related to relationships I have. Meaning I have to address them before they blow up anymore. I've already talked to one of my dads to bounce off some ideas. I think until I handle them I won't feel better. Pretty sure I know what to do luckily. Also would help if my mind would stop going to a negative place about the outcome of these things. I'll shed more light on this subject once I deal with them.

Looking at the man in the mirror

My headaches are finally gone. I was worried that the test booster I'm on was causing the headaches. Then again 3 things did change around that time. I tired a new pre-workout we got samples of, started the test booster, and we did have some heavy rain also roll through. Well now that my head isn't pounding I'm able to think and focus again. My Sunday was pretty uneventful. Sadly Ted's date fell through. He was one of those guys that's so flighty. Even when he finally called he wouldn't commit, but more on that later.

So I got a lot of people (3 which is big for me) mentioning that they feel the same way about the fear of being alone. It's not really shocking when you think about it. I think the world kinda comes down to 2 main fears. There are those of us that fear being alone. We are sadly the type that are serial daters. We do what we can to keep from being alone. It affects our moods. The other is a fear that happens as we get older or get hardened to the world. And that is the fear of losing one's individuality. The guy Ted was suppose to date I think falls under that 2nd fear. He's so stuck in his ways that there is no room for anyone else in his life that might upset that. Granted he is also so hidden in the closet he's finding Christmas presents. He's worried that if anyone found out he was gay he'd lose his jobs. He's self employed, works for a bank, and does taxes in the winter. For individuals like this they get so wrapped up in being alone or their job or whatever that they don't like to be disturbed. A second person will do that. Now I'm not saying you can't have a little bit of both (I personally think I have like a fourth that fear and 3/4ths being alone), but that one is typically dominant. Kinda like in genetics.
I know that this test booster is working because I'm being a hell of a lot more introspective (your word of the day). I think it's because being on a test booster raises my self confidence which allows me to really look at myself without getting down. Today what I realized is that I can not live a planned out life. What I mean is that I simply do not like having a plan for everything. It's kinda like a vacation. You typically have some idea of what you want to do and where you want to go, but you also make time for yourself to just explore or do nothing. That was one of the problems me and Ted had. He had to plan everything out. Even on vacation. We couldn't just say hey let's go to this city, do this thing, then just go around town. No everything had to be planned out and that's one reason why I didn't like going anywhere with him. When I went up to my dads we had plans, but we did a lot of improv. We were going to go to their gym on that Saturday, but we were all just so tired that we said screw it and stayed in a bit longer before going out. It's a fine line for me. What seems like over planning one day may not be tomorrow or the previous day. It also depends on what subject I'm planning.

Videos

In a shocking twist this week all of my videos are actually still around. Seems like lately the best I could get is 4 videos. I'm sure next week that means all but maybe one will be deleted. I actually even had a video set aside just in case. That's what happens when I get prepared. First up is Jake Deckard and Matt Cole in a buddy booth. It's a scene from the movie Arcade Route or was it Route Arcade. Anyway arcade was in the name. It's about a porn store back room. Jake is the manager (who they decided to name bunny btw) and has decided to have a little fun. One of the hotter scenes of the movie. Next up is a foreign flick. In it three "Fairies" fuck. I'm not being derogatory I'm actually describing the scene. The guys are playing fairies. Anyway once you get past that weirdness it's a decent scene. The guys are young, without being twinks, and well built. Not super muscular, but certainly not sticks. Third up is a scene with Officers and Theives. It's a Kristen Bjorn film I know that. Which one is beyond me. Anyway it's a nice scene. A lot of passion and cumshots in this one. I think this is another reason why I like scenes with cops. And speaking of cops here are 2 "cops" smoking and having a little fun. Kinda amazing how wayne always gets to top. Then again if I was the owner of the studio I'd probably do the same thing. Then we have Rusty and Ace. At first I thought they were a couple. And to be honest I'm still sketchy on the details about these two. Sounds like they may be fuck buddies. Anyway I like it because you for once see two real guys going at it. It's not professionally polished like so many porn clips. Last up is another one of my fantasies made into a porno. To answer my door in just a towel and then have my way with the delivery guy. Then again that's why it's called a fantasy. I could never do what these guys did. Plus I hate the idea of fucking outdoors.

Test booster

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Hot Topics

Today is National Coming Out Day. I personally have mixed feelings about that. Coming out is a process in itself. It's never easy to do. For some they have a family that knew or is very accepting, and for others not so much. I'm not coming out to my parents just because of the day on the calendar or being told it's National Coming Out Day. For me I have to feel that I'm in a comfortable place emotionally to do it. As I stated yesterday, I have a fear of being alone. Until I can lessen or live with that fear I won't be able to handle it. That's the reason why I'm not really a fan of it myself. Now yes this could help others who feel like they'll have additional support today. Will say that it is fitting that it falls in October which is National Anti-Bullying Month.
Another hot topic is that me and Coach had a date last night. It wasn't a really long one, but hey a date is a date. We had stuffed pork chops (that Coach cooked) and watched some more QAF. Well you know what happens when I watch anything that makes me think. Yep I think on it a little too hard. When QAF was on showtime I did watch it from time to time. I didn't watch it religiously because I'd either forget or I couldn't cause my parents were up. My mom use to watch it behind closed doors. Well we are at the point where Michael has met Ben and Ben has told Michael that he's HIV positive. That of course got me thinking. As more and more research is being done and more and more HIV positive individuals are living healthy lives what would you do in that situation. I mean I don't know if I would have given Coach a chance to be honest. I'll admit I'm pretty ignorant on being HIV positive. I know there are positive and negative couples and there are ways for them to keep it that way. Like I said it's a thought I'm hoping I won't have to find out the answer to.
Speaking of things I don't want to know the answer to, I was once again looking for videos to post on Monday and again I get shocked at what people post and what they watch. If you are eating or planning on eating in the next couple of minutes skip this paragraph. This morning I saw not 1, but 2 videos on xhamster showing anal prolapsing. Also known as the "rosebud". I know we are all entitled to our own tastes, but ugh why? Why would you do that to yourself and on top of that why do you find that attractive. I'm kinda curious for the answer, but at the same time even typing this is making me give that gross face. You know like when you've seen or smelled something you wish you hadn't.
Finally the big VP debate is tonight. That means I'll be watching anything but that. The reason being that politics just pisses me off now. I hear or see things that come off as hypocritical, yet no one speaks up to say anything. I live in Wisconsin and during the primary for the opening senate seat one of the republicans toted how he was voted most conservative. Well fast forward to now and Thompson the republican and his buddies are running ads calling Tammy Baldwin an extremist and that she was voted the most liberal member in congress. So let's get this straight. Most conservative = good while most liberal = bad. That's just some of the hypocrisy I'm seeing. So I'm avoiding it as much as I can so I don't give myself an early heart attack.

Some Deep Self Reflection

I don't really know brought about this self reflection today. I had a tough day yesterday and maybe that was it. Maybe it was a dream I had that stuck with me, but I couldn't help but think about it all during my workout today. As many of you know there are a lot of things I don't like about myself. I don't like my temper. I don't like that I hold a grudge. I don't like that I let people walk all over me. I don't like that I feel constant guilt over everything. With all that in mind I decided to dig a little a deeper. All this while I was working on my back and I came to this 1 truth. My biggest fear that basically drives me is the fear of being alone.
It's a fear I'm constantly fighting every day without even realizing it. I can't drive in a quiet car. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I have to play music. That can hold me for short trips. For longer trips I get very antsy. I mean 2 hour drives without anyone feels me with this fear and dread. Even if it's a route I've taken before it just feels me with so much doubt in myself. I have to call someone on the road or I just panic. Not only that, but I hate being on the road alone. Even if cars are passing me I know that there is someone driving that car. Driving over to Coach's place requires me to be alone on the road a lot. I fear breaking down or hitting something. All these fears come up which stem from this fear of being alone. I can't even sit in my apartment alone. I have to be watching tv or on the computer or both.
I haven't come out to my parents because I'm so afraid that I will lose them. Even though my dad has changed so much that I know he'd accept me and my mom has hinted that she would accept me I can't do it. I literally need that push to get it done. As in some life changing event that makes it impossible to hide it. I know I need to tell them and they are missing out on a part of me, but I just can't do it. That fear of being alone scares me so much. I've seen and heard so many horror stories of guys coming out that I just can't bring myself to it. 
I also have to have a group of friends. Someone I can talk to when I feel alone. I have had horrible days because I couldn't talk to at least one of my friends. My 19th b-day was so crappy because I only had a handful of people say happy b-day to me on facebook. In college I hated the weekends because 8 times out of 10 I was alone. I hate going out to eat by myself. As a result I sadly let people run over me and forgive them no matter how many times they hurt me because the thought of losing them scares me. It takes a lot for me to final cut the strings and when I do I feel this horrible guilt. I will find myself wondering if that person misses me. That's how bad my fear it.
I even twist things I believe in to keep people around. I try to avoid conflict as much as I can. Which is odd because I love conflict. I like picking little fights like who is the best singer or something like that. It makes me feel closer to the person, but somehow I get quiet. I don't fight like I should. I don't stand up for what I believe in. I don't speak up because I don't want to be alone. So I know to watch for this, but it's hard. It's just my natural instinct.
It has gotten so bad that I won't admit my biggest want out of life because it scares most guys off. I want to be a father. I want to have a kid of my own. I have loved kids ever since I was one. I always looked after those younger than me. I liked teaching them things. I see the guys that come into my store with there kid on their arms or holding their hands and I want that. Most gay men that I've run into don't want that. I know it's going to be hard and it can't be done the easy way of fucking some chick and getting her pregnant. No I either have to adopt or get a surrogate or something along those lines. That is a small price to pay to fulfill something I've wanted to do since I could remember. I've always wanted to be a dad and it hasn't changed just because I'm gay. I don't want to be a dad today or tomorrow, but I want it at some point in my life. I don't have much of a way of a life plan, but that is one of the very few things on it.

That thing I wanted to talk about

I meant to mention this on Friday and Saturday, but kept forgetting. Thursday I was bored at work so I decide to google some porn stars except I wasn't looking up just any porn star. I was looking up to see if certain ones were still a couple. See I don't know why I did it. 1. learning the fate of any porn star relationship usually leaves me feeling a little blue and 2. Not like it the relationship being there or not really affects my life. I was just simply that bored where my mind could wander and it wandered over to that subject. To answer your question only 1 of the couples I looked up was still together. Thus it got me wondering why was I surprised and/or affected by knowing this. I don't watch videos of any of the 4 guys, but I was just curious.

So I guess I'll address the first part. I think it's the romantic in me. I like seeing couples. It makes me happy and hearing about break ups makes me sad even if I saw them coming. I mean just off the top of my head the couples that broke up since I knew about porn couples includes Blake Harper and Jason Branch, Blake Harper and Colton Ford, Eric Evans and Brent Baines, Aden and Jaric Jordan (or am I getting those names confused), Pedro Andreas and Daniel Marvin (was really broken up about this one), Spencer Reed and Philip Aubrey (not that I cared), and lastly Damian Crosse and Francesco D'Macho. I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of them right now. Break ups happen all the time and the only reason why I know about these guys is because they all do porn. Maybe that's part of the recurring theme. Are there couples in porn that can and have made it, probably, but I just don't think the porn industry was designed for couples. With what me and Coach have dealt with I can only imagine it's a whole lot worse in porn. I know (based on several twitter accounts and blogs) that it's a pretty cut throat business. There are alliances and enemies. I'm sure there was a bit of back talking going on. Now that may not be the case for any of those couples, but I'm sure it didn't help. Plus all that travel I'm sure didn't help. Me and Coach are only an hour away and try to see each other once a week at least, but what there were several shoots in several different locations. Plus there are tons of stalkers out there and crazy fans that will stop at nothing to be with one of them.
Now onto number 2. The only way my life gets affected by these break ups is because I let it. Obviously none of these guys would phone me up to console them. Hell none of them know about my existence. I guess it's a bit of the TMZ affect. Because we can learn things about celebs we have to know. Things like twitter and facebook make it easy to learn the fates of these couples so we all must know. Plus there are blogs (sadly like mine) that do nothing but report porn gossip. Maybe it's just human nature to want to know everything about everything. We all want to know what's out there in space, we want to know what others are thinking, we want to know how or when we will die, we want to know how we can get famous, how we can get rich, and that's just a few things that at some point we all have wondered. Our curosity is clearly our downfall. Wonder if that's how the zombie apocalypse will start. I just did it again didn't I?

Slow Monday

I had a great weekend with Coach, but man am I having a long Monday. So I guess I should back track. After finishing work I went over to Coach's place where he made us tacos and bought a cheesecake. It was so nice to just sit there with him and just chat and laugh. It was such a great date all around. I really can't point to any specific part and say that was my favorite or no that was.

We watched Queer as Folk and snuggled for a little bit before getting frisky of course. If some of you recall this was the weekend Coach was suppose to top me. Well we talked about it and decided me being the top just seems right for right now. Maybe 6 months from now or a year from now it will be different, but for right now I'm the top. I certainly have no objection either way. I love being with Coach wither I'm the top or the bottom. I think honestly I did put a lot of pressure on him to top me. I know he'd disagree with me on that, but it is how I feel. I mean I asked him to make it my b-day gift. I think for me what meant the most is that he really wanted to try and he seemed disappointed that he couldn't. The look in his eyes was just so caring and thoughtful. Just means I get more practice at his bubble butt. Plus I get to call him my butt boy now. With that pressure off that we went back to me topping and him bottoming. I had the best orgasm in a LONG time. I like to let the bottom guy cum first. It has to do with me wanting to pleasure my partner. Then once he's done or while he is cumming I shoot. Well not this weekend. I came first and I didn't even have time to pull out (I did have a condom on), then Coach came a short time later.

Speaking of Coach he's definitely bigger. Last time I saw him he was 184ish and this time he was about 195ish. Boy was he more solid. Like hugging a brick wall. And of course he plans on getting bigger. Must say at close to 200 lbs he's pretty solid and thick. I think I'll be creaming my pants if he even looks at me at 300lbs. I mean if he's flexing his ass and you spank him it hurts...you. He's even picking me up with a whole lot less effort. Oh and I have new lifting stats to post today:
CURRENT LIFTING STATS: Working bench press for reps 245lbs
Squats 245lbs
Deadlift 300lbs
Romanian deadlift 280lbs
Barbell curl 105lbs
Shrugs 285lbs
Overhead barbell shoulder press 130lbs
Barbell rows 155lbs
Upright row 90lbs
Close-grip bench press 175lbs
Dumbbell concentration curl 40lbs

After lifting weights (and me giving him some encouragement in a few different ways) we went outside and let the cats out. Ok what is it in the outdoors that makes cat's flip out. Tiger who looks so polite just sitting there becomes MEAN outside. My job was to keep him out of Coach's neighbor's yard. Well I was doing fine until he trotted past me. I pick him up and bring him back to the yard. I didn't hold him for long, but my spidey sense tingled. He was starting to tense up and I could feel his claws coming out so I let him down once we were in the yard. Well he puffed up good shortly after. Then while dealing with that Brenden decide that he was afraid of me all of a sudden and ran from me every time I got near him. This is the same cat that will paw at me at the table wanting me to pet him. Well I'm chasing down Brenden trying to get him back into Coach's yard (he crossed the street) Coach was trying to get Tiger to take him inside. Well Tiger wasn't feeling it and decided to do some scratching and biting. Coach showed me and apparently what he got on his hand was child's play compared to one other time when it happened where Tiger got most of his right arm and nose. Then as soon as everyone was in they calmed down and went back to being all lovey dovey. Speaking of which pumpkin (the youngest) sure has grown attached to me. I'm not complaining mind you, just an observation. He spends a lot of time around me when I'm laying down. Then again it could be cause I'm on his side.
 Well I feel better now writing and reliving all that. Am ready to go back to my apartment and take a nap.

Videos

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Time to focus

Today is me and Coach's over night date. Which means I'm focusing on my time with him and nothing else. Some crap came up yesterday, but I've done what I needed to and I'll deal with it after my date with Coach. One coping mechanism I'm glad I learned is how to detach my emotions. I can't do it for long and it's not a complete detachment, but it's enough to keep me from blowing up on someone. I've had many customers I would have easily blown up on if given the chance. I do have a bit of a temper, but few ever see it cause I don't let myself get that angry. So with that said I'm going to just relax and look forward to tonight.

 I admit I do have a weak spot for bald guys or guys with a shaved head. I don't know why it is, but I have it. This guy is no different. Plus it's hard to resist a naked guy on a couch with a boner. That's very much a come suck daddy off pose.

 Wade Neff is back doing photo shoots and time has been kind to him. He always had that daddy look, but it's just more refined now. He's aged so well and you can just tell that he likes to be called daddy. I liked this photo cause it sets a scene in my mind. You are out hiking and as you look up you see a naked masculine stud just staring at you. My mind is a place of constant sex I swear.

 Ok I really really really want to see this vid. Zeb Atlas is pretty much the only gay for pay actor I can stand because he doesn't beat you over the head with it in scenes he does. He sucks cock, gets rimmed, and actually will make eye contact. It's easy to pretend that he's just gay. Mitch Vaughn is this sexy study that is a big time shooter. I haven't really found a scene of his I didn't like. Well the scenes he does with twinks. That's not so much against him, but against the twinks.

This is Paul Gator. Sadly he didn't too many videos. In fact I can only think of one video he did for Catalina. He's not a tall guy despite the looks. He's only at best 5' 8" and I'm too lazy to go try to look up his actual height. What made me post this video today is that this guy reminds me of someone I know. The very pronounced nipples, the shaven head, the beard. Yep he reminds me of Coach. Except Coach doesn't have his nose pierced (although he mentioned getting something like that done except he wants a bull ring). Funny how I never noticed it before then again not like I had tons of photos of Paul Gator floating around.

A little bit of thinking

Tomorrow is my big date with Coach and I'm of course super excited. I was edging this morning and I couldn't help but notice something. In porn from latin countries there is a whole lot more touching and affection then you see in a lot of things that come from the US. Well that got me thinking about something I heard the other day. The Today show was taking a look at what different Hispanic people have done and one was talking about how she made this glove to help premature babies adapt to being touched since most premature babies gain an aversion to touch as they get older. She said that she is Hispanic she grew up in a culture that does a lot of touching. Well that clicked for me. In the US we aren't that into touching. I remember reading a paper in one of my classes about how a French boy got in trouble for hand holding or hugging or something in school. Well he grew up where you kissed on the cheek, hugged, and showed a lot more physical affection. I think that's one reason why there is so much anger and animosity in our culture. We are so busy trying to make money that mothers can't feel comfortable being with their kids for longer than a few weeks before going back to work. We learn early on in kindergarten to keep our hands to ourselves. We learn to stay in our own bubble and not to enter anyone else's without permission. We are scared into not touching each other by learning about sexual harassment. Two people can't really hugged without it being assumed they are a couple. It's no wonder why you can rarely find a child who has a secure attachment to a caregiver. Basically a secure attachment refers to how a child's needs have been met early on in their development. The worst of the worst is dysfunctional attachment which usually shows neglect or child abuse. A lot of us have C attachments which is right above the dysfunctional attachment. We had our needs met, but nothing above and beyond that. Hence why we have trouble with physical affection.

Well all of this brought me up to advice I gave one of my dads. I said to make sure to spend at least 10 minutes uninterrupted doing some form of physical contact. It doesn't have to be sexual like holding hands, cuddling, massaging, etc. Well this also got me thinking. I should do some sexperiments on Coach. My mind actually does work like this on a lesser scale. It's just more erratic in thinking since I'm on Hemo Rage. How I made that big jump was that it was advice I heard from the movie Hope Springs and that got me thinking about the sexercises in the movie, which got me to think of some sexperiments. Now these won't be cruel things like can we have good sex without touching or something crazy like that. Just different things that I've seen or thought of that might enhance sex. And to make it a true sexperiment, Coach won't know about what I might or might not do ahead of time. I'll also be sharing the results with you the readers. The reason being is that sometimes it's nice to get new ideas. No two guys are alike and no two couples are alike, but you may read something that you want to try. For instance I like to rim, but when I'm getting rimmed it's a toss of the coin. Sometimes it makes me nearly cum and other times I find it annoying. The only way I learned that was to sexperiment. One thing I have learned that seems to work on guys universally (least the several I've tried it on) is to kiss and softly suck on a guy's adam's apple. Maybe it's not so much what I'm doing, but how I'm doing it, but give it a try. You do have to be careful cause if you do it too hard it might choke him. That one is a freebie. I'm not sure what I'm going to try on Coach this weekend, but I think he'll enjoy it whatever I choose and if he doesn't he won't know I did it until Monday.