Right foot so far

So far this year has gotten off on a good start. For me at least. For the nation not so much. Anyway I was talking to the guy I've been talking to most of new years eve and new years. Well we decided that we are going to go out on Sunday. Now before all of you start getting all excited and what not, it's just one date. Yes we get along great in text, but we will see if we mesh in person. We are different in a lot of ways, but similar in others. For one he's a sporty type of guy and he is a bartender. He does drink, but that's not a relationship killer. We both agree that we will take it slow and not force anything. I'm now trying to get my mind to understand that. It's already planning living with him. Anyway I'll take it one step and one date at a time. We established we are going to have lunch and see where it goes from there. I'm not going into this with huge expectations and I'm keeping my eyes open. He's said I can ask him any questions in the mean time, but there are some questions I really want to ask when we are face to face. In a text you can't read body language or hear tone. Plus there are just some questions that you want to ask and get an answer to right away.
 Also been thinking a lot. So far my self reflection has been pretty fruitful. I know my mistakes in my past relationships. I've been talking to guys who feel I'm their last or only resort. It makes guys clingy and I'm not the best guy for that. I sadly am usually the clingy one. Plus these are guys that are pretty established. They know what they want from life. They are pretty much stuck in their ways and I have to conform to them instead of us both giving things up to gain others. I've used the clay analogy before to describe it and it still holds true. I also realized the reason why I'm so uncomfortable dating someone my own age is because I'm not their only option. Another 24 year old isn't forced to choose yet. They can keep going out if they want. That gives me less power, but also makes them less clingy. The other problem is I'm a little bit ahead of guys my own age. A lot of them (least the ones I come across) don't really have what they want out of a guy or relationship established or even started. They rather party than get to know someone and start something. Then they'll hop into bed with the next guy, say they are in a relationship, then break up 3 weeks later. If even 3 weeks later. Now that I know my fears I can tackle them. We will see how Sunday goes. And if it does go well then yes we'll have a second date, but I won't say we are dating. I'll let this slowly mature until we say we are in a relationship. I want something long term and that means taking my time to get to know the guy. I didn't do that with Coach. If I had we wouldn't have gone as far as we did. I started off on the right path, but I got too swept up in everything that happened. Plus had too many voices coming at me from all sides.

 This is Tom Wolfe. The first thing that caught my eye is of course that dick. I mean wow that's a whopper. He has other great features, but it's hard not to have your eye drawn to that dick of his. I mean...wow.

 That's pretty ballsy to workout naked. Pun intended of course. Especially on an abduction adduction machine. I always wonder where these photos are taken. If I was to do this at my gym there would be a video record of me doing it and I'd lose my membership.

 His jockstrap or someone else's jockstrap. I know the idea of sniffing a jockstrap doesn't appeal to some guys, but most of us like to get a good whiff. There is something intoxicating about the smell of a used jock. Now granted I like the smell of a used jock, but not one used multiple times without being washed. A bit of natural musk is hot, but don't want to gag on it.

This guy is just all types of hot. He's bald, in shape, and uncut. He hits a lot of my major points. That alone would for sure get me to say yes to a date with him and of course I'd follow him to the bedroom. He does have those dreamy bedroom eyes. Well I better calm myself down or I'll have to take care of business.

Some Deep Self Reflection

I don't really know brought about this self reflection today. I had a tough day yesterday and maybe that was it. Maybe it was a dream I had that stuck with me, but I couldn't help but think about it all during my workout today. As many of you know there are a lot of things I don't like about myself. I don't like my temper. I don't like that I hold a grudge. I don't like that I let people walk all over me. I don't like that I feel constant guilt over everything. With all that in mind I decided to dig a little a deeper. All this while I was working on my back and I came to this 1 truth. My biggest fear that basically drives me is the fear of being alone.
It's a fear I'm constantly fighting every day without even realizing it. I can't drive in a quiet car. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I have to play music. That can hold me for short trips. For longer trips I get very antsy. I mean 2 hour drives without anyone feels me with this fear and dread. Even if it's a route I've taken before it just feels me with so much doubt in myself. I have to call someone on the road or I just panic. Not only that, but I hate being on the road alone. Even if cars are passing me I know that there is someone driving that car. Driving over to Coach's place requires me to be alone on the road a lot. I fear breaking down or hitting something. All these fears come up which stem from this fear of being alone. I can't even sit in my apartment alone. I have to be watching tv or on the computer or both.
I haven't come out to my parents because I'm so afraid that I will lose them. Even though my dad has changed so much that I know he'd accept me and my mom has hinted that she would accept me I can't do it. I literally need that push to get it done. As in some life changing event that makes it impossible to hide it. I know I need to tell them and they are missing out on a part of me, but I just can't do it. That fear of being alone scares me so much. I've seen and heard so many horror stories of guys coming out that I just can't bring myself to it. 
I also have to have a group of friends. Someone I can talk to when I feel alone. I have had horrible days because I couldn't talk to at least one of my friends. My 19th b-day was so crappy because I only had a handful of people say happy b-day to me on facebook. In college I hated the weekends because 8 times out of 10 I was alone. I hate going out to eat by myself. As a result I sadly let people run over me and forgive them no matter how many times they hurt me because the thought of losing them scares me. It takes a lot for me to final cut the strings and when I do I feel this horrible guilt. I will find myself wondering if that person misses me. That's how bad my fear it.
I even twist things I believe in to keep people around. I try to avoid conflict as much as I can. Which is odd because I love conflict. I like picking little fights like who is the best singer or something like that. It makes me feel closer to the person, but somehow I get quiet. I don't fight like I should. I don't stand up for what I believe in. I don't speak up because I don't want to be alone. So I know to watch for this, but it's hard. It's just my natural instinct.
It has gotten so bad that I won't admit my biggest want out of life because it scares most guys off. I want to be a father. I want to have a kid of my own. I have loved kids ever since I was one. I always looked after those younger than me. I liked teaching them things. I see the guys that come into my store with there kid on their arms or holding their hands and I want that. Most gay men that I've run into don't want that. I know it's going to be hard and it can't be done the easy way of fucking some chick and getting her pregnant. No I either have to adopt or get a surrogate or something along those lines. That is a small price to pay to fulfill something I've wanted to do since I could remember. I've always wanted to be a dad and it hasn't changed just because I'm gay. I don't want to be a dad today or tomorrow, but I want it at some point in my life. I don't have much of a way of a life plan, but that is one of the very few things on it.

I'm chatty this week.

I'm in a kinda chatty mood this week. Got a lot roaming around in my head that I need to get out. If you are looking for the video post for this week then click here. So yesterday I mentioned how awesome my first date with Coach went (and no that isn't him in the picture but does remind me of him if Coach had more tattoos and a lot more gray hairs). And he saw the post and left a little comment. It's on yesterday's post which can be found here. This morning I found myself analyzing things. yeah cause I don't do that enough. I was trying to figure out what makes Coach different. What truly makes him different from any of the guys I've had the fun of meeting this past year? Well let's go through the list shall we.
There was Brock that got me to realize I wasn't happy with my ex (which I knew, but wouldn't admit to). The guy that went on and on about how he wanted a relationship with me. How I was the only guy he wanted a relationship. How he could get any guy he wanted because he's the best of the best. Yeah after I broke up with my ex he sure was no where to be found. Hell didn't even try to talk to me anymore. Actually didn't really try to talk to me when he was "interested".
Then there was Scott. Scott was dating someone at the time he met me. So yes I was the other guy. Not something I'm proud of. Well Scott wanted me, then didn't, then did, then didn't and met this guy on manhunt, moved in with him after a month and as far as I know is still dating him. I tried to be friends with Scott, but he liked to treat me like a slept with every guy in town or was planning to. I stood up for myself and shocker he unfriended me and isn't talking to me. So there are two of my winners.
Then there was the string of Tommys. Tommy 1 made himself out to be a guy looking for a relationship. I asked him out on a date. He said yes. It was a date on New Years. At any time he could have canceled. A friend of mine who knows him said oh you'll have a great time etc. Well he stood me up to go to the bar. Then there was Tommy 2 who seemed interested as well. Met him on bear, but the thing about Tommy 2 is that he's a cheap bastard. We were suppose to meet at McDonalds, but no couldn't do that. So I said hey let's go on a date. He said ok I have a coupon for [insert restaurant name here]. The thing about that restaurant is that a $20 gift card only covers one person there and I was not dishing out $20 for a date unless I was sure. So I suggested a less expensive place. Oh no he couldn't go out on a date cause he just didn't have the money. Couldn't even order an appetizer or buy a sandwich for 6 bucks. Then there was Tommy 3. Tommy 3 seemed like a nice guy actually responded back to texts. Then I asked him out and I stopped hearing from Tommy 3. Funny how that happened.
Then there was what's his name. No really I can't remember the fake name I gave him. Well he was the 20 year old that wanted to date me cause at the time I was talking to Tommy 3 and trying to get a date with him. Well Tommy 3 fell through and the guy he was kinda dating at the time didn't want to be in a relationship with him. So we went on a date. Dated for about a month. The whole time he was saying he didn't know what he wanted and that we were dating, but we weren't dating. Then eventually broke up with me on a facebook message saying he didn't want to lead me on, but he didn't want a relationship. He wasn't sure what he wanted.  Then a month later he's in a relationship and even though he wanted to be friends couldn't say more than 3 things to me. Well he has broke up with that guy and I think he's trying to get at me again or actually is trying to be my friend. Too late for him.
Then we had the guy that I talked to for a week straight. Thought I had a good connection with. He saw pictures of me and I saw pictures of him. We went out on the date and he couldn't date me because I look too young. Funny cause when you ask people on a street they all say I look 25-27ish. I'm 23. Take that however you want. I asked my friends who have seen my pictures and me and they all say no you look like you do in your picture and no you don't look like you are younger than 23.
Then we had another what's his name. Oh he was a fun one. Met him on gay.com. He messaged me first so I thought oh hey this is a good sign. We went out on a date. At his place. Because he didn't have a car. At the end of the date I said I'd like to see you again. He said the same. We went out on a 2nd date. At his house again. Well actually we were going to see a movie but got side tracked. Now inbetween the dates it was hard to get in contact with him. Plus this was around the time my ex's mother was in poor health. Well on the third date I asked him are we dating and he said well he just got back in the dating game and isn't sure if he's ready to be exclusive yet (our conversations would point to otherwise). At this point I stopped trying to contact him then out of the blue he says he wants me to meet his family, but not to read anything into it. My ex's mother had died the day before so I couldn't go. That was pretty much the last time we really talked.
Then came the string of long distance guys. Two of which wanted to date me, but when I said hey let's talk on the phone suddenly that was moving too fast and I didn't hear from them. Then most recently were the two bears. One of which was a red head who lives 3 hours away. We both agreed that we are better off friends. He isn't a person that likes to stay in one place so it wouldn't have been good. We still talk to this day. Then there was the transgender bear. That was going really well for awhile. Then I started to get lucky if I got a response back to a text or even a conversation started from him.
So as you can see the bar was not set very high, but no that's not the thing that makes me feel Coach is different. What makes me feel he's different isn't just the fact that he's no doubt the most in shape guy I went on a date with. It's not because he's the only one that talks to me several times during the day. It all boils down to I think that I'm at this place where I know what to look for. I know the big red flags and Coach hasn't given me any. With him it really feels like a give and take. It feels like there are areas he's good at and there are area's I'm good at and we strengthen the other. Like he had no clue about the punch buggy game. On our first date I saw a silver bug and I say silver one and punch him in the shoulder (which actually kinda hurt. That dude is solid). Then he's like why did you hit me (like he felt it). I said because of the silver punch buggy and point to it. And he just gives me this confused look. So I explain the game and said you seriously never played that growing up. He said no. Yes there is an age difference between us, but I thought EVERYONE knew that game. Actually thinking about it I don't think he needs to know that game. A punch from him would paralyze my shoulder for awhile. Anyway it's also that I feel comfortable sharing with him. He knows about my ex. He knows quite a bit of my baggage and he still wants to know me. We are talking about a lot of long term things as well as short term like dates. Never have I had this super strong urge to call someone my boyfriend, but know that it's too early. Normally I'd just say it and that was that. Also my like like (ha that's also an enemy on legend of Zelda.....I'm such a nerd) is very much evolving. Before long I know we both will be saying it, but we both want to take this slowly. Never had that. This is why I think it's worth taking a risk and hopefully my gut is right. I mean there have been tons of signs that seem to push us together. Our zodiac signs are perfectly compatible. Our birthdays are on the same day of the week on any given year. We started lifting on the same day a year apart from the other. And I'm sure there is a whole lot more. My heart and gut say go at it with full force and don't hold back, but then again my heart and gut told me that some of these other guys were going to be good. So my brain is keeping them in check, but even he's starting to say all signs point to letting him in fully and just call him your boyfriend.
Oh and Adam you really are awesome. Thank you for all the luck and support you have given. I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around and I think what is coming your way is something truly great. And when it comes I will be the one cheering the loudest for you.
Coach has shared with me some of the songs that are near and dear to him From Frank Sinatra and Judy Garland. So far my favorite has been the one I will post here. For Once in My Life. Fits with all that I have been saying and what I'm kinda feeling. Btw Coach is a really good singer and when he sings a Frank Sinatra song he really does sound like him. He has said it and said others have said it, but when you hear it yourself it's pretty amazing. I recently shared a song with him. Life is a Boat which was the first ending theme for Bleach. It's in both English and Japanese. The English part is what I really connect to. It starts off very uncaring. Very negative. Exactly how I feel after a set back like the guys mentioned above, but it progresses. Get's more cheerful and upbeat. And I think it's safe to say I'm kinda getting to the end of the song feeling.