And crossroads once again

Well a bit has happened this weekend. Friday I met up with this guy from grindr. He was the one that wanted to come over to cuddle then didn't. He surprised me by showing up on Friday and he was at my place until 2am. It seemed like there was a connection and that the reason he didn't show up before was cold feet. So I asked him out on a date on Sunday. I even cleaned my place. We were suppose to have dinner then a movie. And then it started. We were talking about meeting around 4 and he was moving slow so he just was getting into the shower. Then his mom made him dinner and he couldn't just say no. Said he'd be over as soon as he was done. Then it turned to 6....6:30 and still nothing. He then knocked and comes in. We watch a movie and we go at it, but I just kinda got a weird feeling. Well we talked afterwards. His ex texted him asking to come pick up the dog. They share custody of the dog. The ex is suppose to have her until monday night. So once again plans changed.
All this has me thinking that the guy isn't ready for a guy. He has a new job he's starting, lives with his money, not a lot of extra money, shares custody of a dog with his ex who he clearly can't stand. Just not sure how ready for all that I am. Not so sure I'm ready for anyone. Going to be a lot of thinking. Luckily my friend will be coming this week and maybe he can help me straighten out.

Starting to think about the next one

I'm starting to think about the next guy I may or may not end up with. What I mean is that I'm thinking about what I want out of the next guy I get in a relationship with, assuming I get into one at all. There are a lot of things that I try to avoid thinking about (age, height, weight, build, basically anything physical), and other things I try to think about. For one I need a guy that isn't attached to me at the hip. A guy that will call me out on some of the bullshit I deal with. One thing with Bear is that he was very passive. Then when he did try to get involved he got way over involved. I say things like I don't like how I look. His response would be, "oh you are so sexy, you should wear tighter clothes to show off your body, there isn't anything for you to be ashamed up, I'm the ugly one." That may sound all fine and dandy to some of you, but for me it didn't address what I said or make me feel secure. What I need is simply a firm, "babe you are sexy. Just deal with it. It's one of the many things I love about you." The difference being that he has said he finds me sexy along with saying there are other things he loves about me besides my body. He made it a clear fact. He didn't try to make me wear something that he knows I hate doing to show off. Bear would want me in tight clothes (which I feel I have no business ever wearing), but get super jealous if a guy looked at me. 

Basically I need a guy that will take the time to learn about me. Not just think he knows me. A guy that will challenge me to become better. That can understand when to stop pushing. I admit I'm a picky eater, but Bear took it upon himself to force me to try new things. That's not how I work. Order something and just ask me to take a bite. If I say no move on. I'll eventually ask to take a bite. Bear would force me to try it and thus make me hate whatever it was. My mom use to make me do that with burgers. I hated burgers, but I had to eat three bites no matter how sickening it was for me. Yes Bear knew about that. 

I just need a grounded guy. For the most part I'm grounded, but when I get off I can either fix myself or get worse. If I feel I can't I reach out and I just need someone to listen and hold my hand. I need a partner emotionally as well as physically. I'll take my time to learn you and what you want. Need the same. 

Now to stay up

So now I have to not let flakey guys get to me this week. So basically I started this week with at least 3 days of sex planned and one guy I was chatting with to set something up to well no one. This guy who messaged me wanting to cuddle and come over flaked on me. My friend from texas is feeling down and just wants to be alone which I get. Not mad at him for not feeling up to it. Plus I know he doesn't flake. Well the other guy we were suppose to play with is sick. And he's suppose to be out of town today. Lastly is the guy I was chatting with to play with. Yesterday I messaged him and I got nothing. Now with him I'm not sure if he's a flake yet. Last I chatted with him his siblings had recently found out they had cancer. Well one knew they had it and the other just found out. Now if that is true (and it's sad that I have to say if it's true) then I can understand him not being real chatty so I'm going to just see what happens. He has my number if he wants to talk and I did tell him if he needed to talk just let me know. So right now I'm kinda feeling a bit pent up and a bit rejected. I know these are things that don't have anything to do with me, but I can't help feeling like it's on me.
So I'm going to try to remember it isn't me. It's them, but well....still hurts and still sucks.

It's tuesday

Today is going to be a long day. I had yesterday off and now I have to go into work and most likely will have overtime. Just wears on you.
Yesterday was nice had a fun cookout. Had some good company I got to hang out with. Will say that I did once again have to deal with flakey guys. I've redownloaded grindr and it's pretty much how I remember. A guy gets all hot and heavy then when the time comes he just vanishes or comes up with an excuse. Yesterday I had this guy who was so interested in meeting and setting up a time to meet. Now I hear nothing from him. Had a guy that was so wanting to come over and cuddle and what not. Then all of a sudden his mom called and he had to stop by there. Then it was oh yeah I can't make it. Get's old of course. So I just move on. If a guy isn't interested then there is nothing I can do. I'm not going to track a guy down. They get one shot at me reaching out and hearing nothing before I just stop trying. They can reach out if they really want me to fuck them.
Well off I go to get ready for work.....again....blah.

Good birthday

So I had a really good birthday. My friend came down and surprised me. We had a nice day of relaxing. We also reconnected and things felt much better. The other day we had this huge argument which lead to arguments with others and well we got it patched up. He also introduced me to a friend of his who I had quite a bit of fun with. I think the reason why I was able to enjoy it was because for once I was able to have 0 expectation. I literally didn't make a big deal about it. Said nothing to anyone at work about it being my birthday. Didn't try to make any plans with anyone. That really helped me just enjoy the day. Enjoy anything that did happen.
I also feel better about dealing with my crush. I actually feel like I really can just let whatever happens happen. I don't feel like I have to say or do something. I don't feel like I'll be alone forever. I think it also helps that my birthday has passed. The time before my birthday my emotions do run a bit high. Once it passes I'm usually back to being pretty grounded. Plus I have tomorrow off so it should be a good day. Should be a good monday for sure.

Quick one

Well this will be a quick one. Having to get ready for work and go pay my rent. Basically just getting through today. I'm kinda at the point where I'm an emotional scab. Nothing really can hurt me, but still not in the clear. So going through the motions of today until I can do absolutely nothing.

Expectations

So one of my issues is that I put expectations on everyone. Even if I want to admit it or not. The closer the person is to me the higher the expectations. I learned this today when I hurt a friend pretty bad. It's also because I can't just think logically some days. He hurt me Tuesday and I tried to let it go, but couldn't. Well after a long talk the thing is I put expectations on everything. The reason is because I need to plan. Planning gives me some sort of control which reduces the high level of anxiety that I have all the time.
Basically I need to plan for nothing. That way I'm still planning, but lowering my expectations even more. Hell even planning for cuddling leads me to be disappointed. I guess it's so much easier to be disappointed then to get happy from my expectations and then expect that. Going to take time and practice. Sadly I don't think I can ever out grow this. And that is a really low expectation.

And stressed

So work has been a big stresser for me lately. Well not so different from everyone else right? The short version is that we are super short staffed going into our busy season. We have management that refuse to acknowledge the problem or lift a finger to speed it up. Then we have a super negative co-worker and a super lazy co-worker that aren't being reprimanded like they should be.
How our department is setup is that there is the North side and the South side. Basically has to do with how we are laid out in the hospital. I'm on the South side the bigger department. The north is smaller and deals with clinic stuff instead of the OR. Well we have lost quite a few people to the North side thanks to all the vacancies they keep having. So while they get fully staffed we get less and less people to take care of the demanding OR. Then there is this secrecy from management whenever anyone goes over. Then of course we are down another person and sure enough more mandatory overtime. Plus we still haven't filled our Night position which has been open for like 4 months, which leads to more spreading out of people from different shifts which are already pretty damn short. Just frustrating.
Every one seems to be leaving because of all the mandatory over time we have to do. We have to work weekends and holidays. Not the north side. Plus the North has a supervisor that actually wants to keep his employees in the know. Not us on the South. Not to mention our supervisor just refuses to listen to us most of the time. We had an employee survey earlier in the year and all of our needs improvement questions had to do with management. So when we discuss the results do we talk about that? Oh no that would be way too simple. So it will of course be another issue for another year. Basically we just need her gone. She wants to retire and it's obvious in how she treats us.
Hopefully I can get through today without strangling someone. No promises though.

Reason for the break up

So I kinda touched on it yesterday, but I'll go into more detail today. As I said before Bear and I broke up. There are many many reasons why and I'll go into some of them.
The main reason for the break up is that he didn't listen. Well let me rephrase that. He heard what I was saying, but didn't really listen to what I was saying. That fact became clear to me when we decided to break up and he said he was blind sided. If he was listening to me and my wants and needs he would have seen it coming. I had several long conversations with him and that just didn't seem to sink in. He would nod his head and say he understands, but the behavior wouldn't change. That lead to the slow decay of the relationship. From there every other issue basically centered around him not listening to what I was telling him.
One such issue was sex. We hadn't had sex in months and that wasn't from him lacking the want. It really boiled down to me. Whenever we were together it felt like I was just arm candy. That I was there because I was the only person that paid him attention. Whenever I asked to just cuddle or be held he would always start off fine then start rubbing and grabbing things. Basically not understanding that I just wanted to be held. No other intention. I would even tell him that and he would still do it. In the mornings when, yes I have morning wood, he'd grab it and start stroking it. Yes that would sound great, but I honestly was not awake for it. A lot of the time I wasn't in the mood because we were up late. That shut me off. The feeling of just being there for sex. He really couldn't see that.
Another issue was he really wanted a family. He wanted to get married, have kids, and a white picket fence. I'm at that point where I wasn't really sure what I wanted. I wasn't and still am not so sure I want to get married. Not sure if I want kids. I thought I did, but I see the world and I just can't imagine how draining it is for parents to see the world changing the way it is and make it harder to be a kid. The marriage thing I'm not sure about for many reasons, but I guess I should say I don't want to get married to the wrong person. There were a lot of things Bear did that made me think I couldn't deal with that for an extended amount of time. I've been with him for several days and afterwards I just wanted to punch him. He wasn't the best with finances and I just can't deal with that.
He also was very jealous and really was bent on laying claim on me. I will be the first to admit I'm extremely obvious. If someone is hitting on me I'll never know. He has found guys staring at me everywhere we go. It kinda comes with looking as different as I do. I on the other hand don't get jealous. He would tell me all the time about guys that messaged him on growlr. I didn't care because I trusted him and know he wasn't going to go cheat on me. Apparently he didn't have that same trust in me. So he would try to guilt me into spending more time with him or moving up to be with him. Oh he was doing that before we even hit the year mark.
Lastly was his family. I know part of being in a relationship is accepting the other person's family. Yeah sometimes you don't get along with some of the realitives, but it was a lot of his family. He was the youngest in the family, but they just didn't respect him or his time. I was up there every other weekend sometimes there would be a 3 week pause. When I would show up that's when they wanted him to dog sit, or pick up one of their kids or watch them or go pick something up. They just didn't get that he deserved alone time with his boyfriend and it just got old. It was every time. Not just once in awhile. Then they would start harassing me about when I was moving in. He wouldn't stand up to them and I just couldn't do it. That's basically what got me to say I was done. Plus the fact that he can't seem to understand we are just friends and as just friends he can't demand time with me.

A lot has happened

Well I'm not going to make excuses or anything like that. I haven't been in the mood to blog for a long long long time. I think in not doing so I've kinda lost out on a part of something that was helping me to heal and not get bogged down with my own negativity. So for at least the next 30 days I'm going to try to get back to blogging. At least getting back to the journal part. The video part took way too much time and effort to do. Maybe I'll get back to it, but I doubt it.
So what has changed? Well if any of my old readers are still out there, me and Bear broke up. There is a lot that went into why and maybe I'll explain why at a later date. Right now all I can say is that we wanted different things. I was feeling pressured into doing things I didn't want to and I wasn't ready for that. We broke up in July.
In June I got my own place. I'm still not quite use to it. Living by myself and being so in charge of the upkeep. Making sure my laundry is done and shopping is done. When you have a roommate you can rely on them to do some of that stuff. Now I have no one to come home to or that checks in on me. Some days that's very nice and other days it can be pretty lonely.
I'm also trying to get back on the dating scene. Just as "easy" as I remember. I do have a crush that I'm trying to deal with and part of dealing with it is writing again. Keeping my head and keeping my plan. The plan is that when he comes back in 30 days I'll tell him my feelings and deal with whatever happens. Why I'm waiting is another thing I'll explain later. There is a lot I'm dealing with and I'm going to try to deal with each issue each day. Which might be hard at some point because my friend will be visiting for a week later on in October. Plus work has been very draining lately.
Well I think that's it for now. Just spending today kinda outlining my plan. I'm a guy that can get very overwhelmed if I don't have a plan to tackle my problems. This is part of my plan. Until tomorrow.