Quick one

Well this will be a quick one. Having to get ready for work and go pay my rent. Basically just getting through today. I'm kinda at the point where I'm an emotional scab. Nothing really can hurt me, but still not in the clear. So going through the motions of today until I can do absolutely nothing.

Expectations

So one of my issues is that I put expectations on everyone. Even if I want to admit it or not. The closer the person is to me the higher the expectations. I learned this today when I hurt a friend pretty bad. It's also because I can't just think logically some days. He hurt me Tuesday and I tried to let it go, but couldn't. Well after a long talk the thing is I put expectations on everything. The reason is because I need to plan. Planning gives me some sort of control which reduces the high level of anxiety that I have all the time.
Basically I need to plan for nothing. That way I'm still planning, but lowering my expectations even more. Hell even planning for cuddling leads me to be disappointed. I guess it's so much easier to be disappointed then to get happy from my expectations and then expect that. Going to take time and practice. Sadly I don't think I can ever out grow this. And that is a really low expectation.

And stressed

So work has been a big stresser for me lately. Well not so different from everyone else right? The short version is that we are super short staffed going into our busy season. We have management that refuse to acknowledge the problem or lift a finger to speed it up. Then we have a super negative co-worker and a super lazy co-worker that aren't being reprimanded like they should be.
How our department is setup is that there is the North side and the South side. Basically has to do with how we are laid out in the hospital. I'm on the South side the bigger department. The north is smaller and deals with clinic stuff instead of the OR. Well we have lost quite a few people to the North side thanks to all the vacancies they keep having. So while they get fully staffed we get less and less people to take care of the demanding OR. Then there is this secrecy from management whenever anyone goes over. Then of course we are down another person and sure enough more mandatory overtime. Plus we still haven't filled our Night position which has been open for like 4 months, which leads to more spreading out of people from different shifts which are already pretty damn short. Just frustrating.
Every one seems to be leaving because of all the mandatory over time we have to do. We have to work weekends and holidays. Not the north side. Plus the North has a supervisor that actually wants to keep his employees in the know. Not us on the South. Not to mention our supervisor just refuses to listen to us most of the time. We had an employee survey earlier in the year and all of our needs improvement questions had to do with management. So when we discuss the results do we talk about that? Oh no that would be way too simple. So it will of course be another issue for another year. Basically we just need her gone. She wants to retire and it's obvious in how she treats us.
Hopefully I can get through today without strangling someone. No promises though.

Reason for the break up

So I kinda touched on it yesterday, but I'll go into more detail today. As I said before Bear and I broke up. There are many many reasons why and I'll go into some of them.
The main reason for the break up is that he didn't listen. Well let me rephrase that. He heard what I was saying, but didn't really listen to what I was saying. That fact became clear to me when we decided to break up and he said he was blind sided. If he was listening to me and my wants and needs he would have seen it coming. I had several long conversations with him and that just didn't seem to sink in. He would nod his head and say he understands, but the behavior wouldn't change. That lead to the slow decay of the relationship. From there every other issue basically centered around him not listening to what I was telling him.
One such issue was sex. We hadn't had sex in months and that wasn't from him lacking the want. It really boiled down to me. Whenever we were together it felt like I was just arm candy. That I was there because I was the only person that paid him attention. Whenever I asked to just cuddle or be held he would always start off fine then start rubbing and grabbing things. Basically not understanding that I just wanted to be held. No other intention. I would even tell him that and he would still do it. In the mornings when, yes I have morning wood, he'd grab it and start stroking it. Yes that would sound great, but I honestly was not awake for it. A lot of the time I wasn't in the mood because we were up late. That shut me off. The feeling of just being there for sex. He really couldn't see that.
Another issue was he really wanted a family. He wanted to get married, have kids, and a white picket fence. I'm at that point where I wasn't really sure what I wanted. I wasn't and still am not so sure I want to get married. Not sure if I want kids. I thought I did, but I see the world and I just can't imagine how draining it is for parents to see the world changing the way it is and make it harder to be a kid. The marriage thing I'm not sure about for many reasons, but I guess I should say I don't want to get married to the wrong person. There were a lot of things Bear did that made me think I couldn't deal with that for an extended amount of time. I've been with him for several days and afterwards I just wanted to punch him. He wasn't the best with finances and I just can't deal with that.
He also was very jealous and really was bent on laying claim on me. I will be the first to admit I'm extremely obvious. If someone is hitting on me I'll never know. He has found guys staring at me everywhere we go. It kinda comes with looking as different as I do. I on the other hand don't get jealous. He would tell me all the time about guys that messaged him on growlr. I didn't care because I trusted him and know he wasn't going to go cheat on me. Apparently he didn't have that same trust in me. So he would try to guilt me into spending more time with him or moving up to be with him. Oh he was doing that before we even hit the year mark.
Lastly was his family. I know part of being in a relationship is accepting the other person's family. Yeah sometimes you don't get along with some of the realitives, but it was a lot of his family. He was the youngest in the family, but they just didn't respect him or his time. I was up there every other weekend sometimes there would be a 3 week pause. When I would show up that's when they wanted him to dog sit, or pick up one of their kids or watch them or go pick something up. They just didn't get that he deserved alone time with his boyfriend and it just got old. It was every time. Not just once in awhile. Then they would start harassing me about when I was moving in. He wouldn't stand up to them and I just couldn't do it. That's basically what got me to say I was done. Plus the fact that he can't seem to understand we are just friends and as just friends he can't demand time with me.

A lot has happened

Well I'm not going to make excuses or anything like that. I haven't been in the mood to blog for a long long long time. I think in not doing so I've kinda lost out on a part of something that was helping me to heal and not get bogged down with my own negativity. So for at least the next 30 days I'm going to try to get back to blogging. At least getting back to the journal part. The video part took way too much time and effort to do. Maybe I'll get back to it, but I doubt it.
So what has changed? Well if any of my old readers are still out there, me and Bear broke up. There is a lot that went into why and maybe I'll explain why at a later date. Right now all I can say is that we wanted different things. I was feeling pressured into doing things I didn't want to and I wasn't ready for that. We broke up in July.
In June I got my own place. I'm still not quite use to it. Living by myself and being so in charge of the upkeep. Making sure my laundry is done and shopping is done. When you have a roommate you can rely on them to do some of that stuff. Now I have no one to come home to or that checks in on me. Some days that's very nice and other days it can be pretty lonely.
I'm also trying to get back on the dating scene. Just as "easy" as I remember. I do have a crush that I'm trying to deal with and part of dealing with it is writing again. Keeping my head and keeping my plan. The plan is that when he comes back in 30 days I'll tell him my feelings and deal with whatever happens. Why I'm waiting is another thing I'll explain later. There is a lot I'm dealing with and I'm going to try to deal with each issue each day. Which might be hard at some point because my friend will be visiting for a week later on in October. Plus work has been very draining lately.
Well I think that's it for now. Just spending today kinda outlining my plan. I'm a guy that can get very overwhelmed if I don't have a plan to tackle my problems. This is part of my plan. Until tomorrow.