And crossroads once again

Well a bit has happened this weekend. Friday I met up with this guy from grindr. He was the one that wanted to come over to cuddle then didn't. He surprised me by showing up on Friday and he was at my place until 2am. It seemed like there was a connection and that the reason he didn't show up before was cold feet. So I asked him out on a date on Sunday. I even cleaned my place. We were suppose to have dinner then a movie. And then it started. We were talking about meeting around 4 and he was moving slow so he just was getting into the shower. Then his mom made him dinner and he couldn't just say no. Said he'd be over as soon as he was done. Then it turned to 6....6:30 and still nothing. He then knocked and comes in. We watch a movie and we go at it, but I just kinda got a weird feeling. Well we talked afterwards. His ex texted him asking to come pick up the dog. They share custody of the dog. The ex is suppose to have her until monday night. So once again plans changed.
All this has me thinking that the guy isn't ready for a guy. He has a new job he's starting, lives with his money, not a lot of extra money, shares custody of a dog with his ex who he clearly can't stand. Just not sure how ready for all that I am. Not so sure I'm ready for anyone. Going to be a lot of thinking. Luckily my friend will be coming this week and maybe he can help me straighten out.

Starting to think about the next one

I'm starting to think about the next guy I may or may not end up with. What I mean is that I'm thinking about what I want out of the next guy I get in a relationship with, assuming I get into one at all. There are a lot of things that I try to avoid thinking about (age, height, weight, build, basically anything physical), and other things I try to think about. For one I need a guy that isn't attached to me at the hip. A guy that will call me out on some of the bullshit I deal with. One thing with Bear is that he was very passive. Then when he did try to get involved he got way over involved. I say things like I don't like how I look. His response would be, "oh you are so sexy, you should wear tighter clothes to show off your body, there isn't anything for you to be ashamed up, I'm the ugly one." That may sound all fine and dandy to some of you, but for me it didn't address what I said or make me feel secure. What I need is simply a firm, "babe you are sexy. Just deal with it. It's one of the many things I love about you." The difference being that he has said he finds me sexy along with saying there are other things he loves about me besides my body. He made it a clear fact. He didn't try to make me wear something that he knows I hate doing to show off. Bear would want me in tight clothes (which I feel I have no business ever wearing), but get super jealous if a guy looked at me. 

Basically I need a guy that will take the time to learn about me. Not just think he knows me. A guy that will challenge me to become better. That can understand when to stop pushing. I admit I'm a picky eater, but Bear took it upon himself to force me to try new things. That's not how I work. Order something and just ask me to take a bite. If I say no move on. I'll eventually ask to take a bite. Bear would force me to try it and thus make me hate whatever it was. My mom use to make me do that with burgers. I hated burgers, but I had to eat three bites no matter how sickening it was for me. Yes Bear knew about that. 

I just need a grounded guy. For the most part I'm grounded, but when I get off I can either fix myself or get worse. If I feel I can't I reach out and I just need someone to listen and hold my hand. I need a partner emotionally as well as physically. I'll take my time to learn you and what you want. Need the same. 

Now to stay up

So now I have to not let flakey guys get to me this week. So basically I started this week with at least 3 days of sex planned and one guy I was chatting with to set something up to well no one. This guy who messaged me wanting to cuddle and come over flaked on me. My friend from texas is feeling down and just wants to be alone which I get. Not mad at him for not feeling up to it. Plus I know he doesn't flake. Well the other guy we were suppose to play with is sick. And he's suppose to be out of town today. Lastly is the guy I was chatting with to play with. Yesterday I messaged him and I got nothing. Now with him I'm not sure if he's a flake yet. Last I chatted with him his siblings had recently found out they had cancer. Well one knew they had it and the other just found out. Now if that is true (and it's sad that I have to say if it's true) then I can understand him not being real chatty so I'm going to just see what happens. He has my number if he wants to talk and I did tell him if he needed to talk just let me know. So right now I'm kinda feeling a bit pent up and a bit rejected. I know these are things that don't have anything to do with me, but I can't help feeling like it's on me.
So I'm going to try to remember it isn't me. It's them, but well....still hurts and still sucks.

It's tuesday

Today is going to be a long day. I had yesterday off and now I have to go into work and most likely will have overtime. Just wears on you.
Yesterday was nice had a fun cookout. Had some good company I got to hang out with. Will say that I did once again have to deal with flakey guys. I've redownloaded grindr and it's pretty much how I remember. A guy gets all hot and heavy then when the time comes he just vanishes or comes up with an excuse. Yesterday I had this guy who was so interested in meeting and setting up a time to meet. Now I hear nothing from him. Had a guy that was so wanting to come over and cuddle and what not. Then all of a sudden his mom called and he had to stop by there. Then it was oh yeah I can't make it. Get's old of course. So I just move on. If a guy isn't interested then there is nothing I can do. I'm not going to track a guy down. They get one shot at me reaching out and hearing nothing before I just stop trying. They can reach out if they really want me to fuck them.
Well off I go to get ready for work.....again....blah.

Good birthday

So I had a really good birthday. My friend came down and surprised me. We had a nice day of relaxing. We also reconnected and things felt much better. The other day we had this huge argument which lead to arguments with others and well we got it patched up. He also introduced me to a friend of his who I had quite a bit of fun with. I think the reason why I was able to enjoy it was because for once I was able to have 0 expectation. I literally didn't make a big deal about it. Said nothing to anyone at work about it being my birthday. Didn't try to make any plans with anyone. That really helped me just enjoy the day. Enjoy anything that did happen.
I also feel better about dealing with my crush. I actually feel like I really can just let whatever happens happen. I don't feel like I have to say or do something. I don't feel like I'll be alone forever. I think it also helps that my birthday has passed. The time before my birthday my emotions do run a bit high. Once it passes I'm usually back to being pretty grounded. Plus I have tomorrow off so it should be a good day. Should be a good monday for sure.

Quick one

Well this will be a quick one. Having to get ready for work and go pay my rent. Basically just getting through today. I'm kinda at the point where I'm an emotional scab. Nothing really can hurt me, but still not in the clear. So going through the motions of today until I can do absolutely nothing.

Expectations

So one of my issues is that I put expectations on everyone. Even if I want to admit it or not. The closer the person is to me the higher the expectations. I learned this today when I hurt a friend pretty bad. It's also because I can't just think logically some days. He hurt me Tuesday and I tried to let it go, but couldn't. Well after a long talk the thing is I put expectations on everything. The reason is because I need to plan. Planning gives me some sort of control which reduces the high level of anxiety that I have all the time.
Basically I need to plan for nothing. That way I'm still planning, but lowering my expectations even more. Hell even planning for cuddling leads me to be disappointed. I guess it's so much easier to be disappointed then to get happy from my expectations and then expect that. Going to take time and practice. Sadly I don't think I can ever out grow this. And that is a really low expectation.

And stressed

So work has been a big stresser for me lately. Well not so different from everyone else right? The short version is that we are super short staffed going into our busy season. We have management that refuse to acknowledge the problem or lift a finger to speed it up. Then we have a super negative co-worker and a super lazy co-worker that aren't being reprimanded like they should be.
How our department is setup is that there is the North side and the South side. Basically has to do with how we are laid out in the hospital. I'm on the South side the bigger department. The north is smaller and deals with clinic stuff instead of the OR. Well we have lost quite a few people to the North side thanks to all the vacancies they keep having. So while they get fully staffed we get less and less people to take care of the demanding OR. Then there is this secrecy from management whenever anyone goes over. Then of course we are down another person and sure enough more mandatory overtime. Plus we still haven't filled our Night position which has been open for like 4 months, which leads to more spreading out of people from different shifts which are already pretty damn short. Just frustrating.
Every one seems to be leaving because of all the mandatory over time we have to do. We have to work weekends and holidays. Not the north side. Plus the North has a supervisor that actually wants to keep his employees in the know. Not us on the South. Not to mention our supervisor just refuses to listen to us most of the time. We had an employee survey earlier in the year and all of our needs improvement questions had to do with management. So when we discuss the results do we talk about that? Oh no that would be way too simple. So it will of course be another issue for another year. Basically we just need her gone. She wants to retire and it's obvious in how she treats us.
Hopefully I can get through today without strangling someone. No promises though.

Reason for the break up

So I kinda touched on it yesterday, but I'll go into more detail today. As I said before Bear and I broke up. There are many many reasons why and I'll go into some of them.
The main reason for the break up is that he didn't listen. Well let me rephrase that. He heard what I was saying, but didn't really listen to what I was saying. That fact became clear to me when we decided to break up and he said he was blind sided. If he was listening to me and my wants and needs he would have seen it coming. I had several long conversations with him and that just didn't seem to sink in. He would nod his head and say he understands, but the behavior wouldn't change. That lead to the slow decay of the relationship. From there every other issue basically centered around him not listening to what I was telling him.
One such issue was sex. We hadn't had sex in months and that wasn't from him lacking the want. It really boiled down to me. Whenever we were together it felt like I was just arm candy. That I was there because I was the only person that paid him attention. Whenever I asked to just cuddle or be held he would always start off fine then start rubbing and grabbing things. Basically not understanding that I just wanted to be held. No other intention. I would even tell him that and he would still do it. In the mornings when, yes I have morning wood, he'd grab it and start stroking it. Yes that would sound great, but I honestly was not awake for it. A lot of the time I wasn't in the mood because we were up late. That shut me off. The feeling of just being there for sex. He really couldn't see that.
Another issue was he really wanted a family. He wanted to get married, have kids, and a white picket fence. I'm at that point where I wasn't really sure what I wanted. I wasn't and still am not so sure I want to get married. Not sure if I want kids. I thought I did, but I see the world and I just can't imagine how draining it is for parents to see the world changing the way it is and make it harder to be a kid. The marriage thing I'm not sure about for many reasons, but I guess I should say I don't want to get married to the wrong person. There were a lot of things Bear did that made me think I couldn't deal with that for an extended amount of time. I've been with him for several days and afterwards I just wanted to punch him. He wasn't the best with finances and I just can't deal with that.
He also was very jealous and really was bent on laying claim on me. I will be the first to admit I'm extremely obvious. If someone is hitting on me I'll never know. He has found guys staring at me everywhere we go. It kinda comes with looking as different as I do. I on the other hand don't get jealous. He would tell me all the time about guys that messaged him on growlr. I didn't care because I trusted him and know he wasn't going to go cheat on me. Apparently he didn't have that same trust in me. So he would try to guilt me into spending more time with him or moving up to be with him. Oh he was doing that before we even hit the year mark.
Lastly was his family. I know part of being in a relationship is accepting the other person's family. Yeah sometimes you don't get along with some of the realitives, but it was a lot of his family. He was the youngest in the family, but they just didn't respect him or his time. I was up there every other weekend sometimes there would be a 3 week pause. When I would show up that's when they wanted him to dog sit, or pick up one of their kids or watch them or go pick something up. They just didn't get that he deserved alone time with his boyfriend and it just got old. It was every time. Not just once in awhile. Then they would start harassing me about when I was moving in. He wouldn't stand up to them and I just couldn't do it. That's basically what got me to say I was done. Plus the fact that he can't seem to understand we are just friends and as just friends he can't demand time with me.

A lot has happened

Well I'm not going to make excuses or anything like that. I haven't been in the mood to blog for a long long long time. I think in not doing so I've kinda lost out on a part of something that was helping me to heal and not get bogged down with my own negativity. So for at least the next 30 days I'm going to try to get back to blogging. At least getting back to the journal part. The video part took way too much time and effort to do. Maybe I'll get back to it, but I doubt it.
So what has changed? Well if any of my old readers are still out there, me and Bear broke up. There is a lot that went into why and maybe I'll explain why at a later date. Right now all I can say is that we wanted different things. I was feeling pressured into doing things I didn't want to and I wasn't ready for that. We broke up in July.
In June I got my own place. I'm still not quite use to it. Living by myself and being so in charge of the upkeep. Making sure my laundry is done and shopping is done. When you have a roommate you can rely on them to do some of that stuff. Now I have no one to come home to or that checks in on me. Some days that's very nice and other days it can be pretty lonely.
I'm also trying to get back on the dating scene. Just as "easy" as I remember. I do have a crush that I'm trying to deal with and part of dealing with it is writing again. Keeping my head and keeping my plan. The plan is that when he comes back in 30 days I'll tell him my feelings and deal with whatever happens. Why I'm waiting is another thing I'll explain later. There is a lot I'm dealing with and I'm going to try to deal with each issue each day. Which might be hard at some point because my friend will be visiting for a week later on in October. Plus work has been very draining lately.
Well I think that's it for now. Just spending today kinda outlining my plan. I'm a guy that can get very overwhelmed if I don't have a plan to tackle my problems. This is part of my plan. Until tomorrow.

Videos

I haven't forgotten about my blog, but I have been doing some soul searching. I'm flat out not into keeping up with this blog as I once did. That being said I still feel like I should post for those of you looking for something so I'm pretty much just going to post what I have slowly over time and if something isn't up then it isn't up. Japanese muscle daddy. 3 muscle studs. Kurtis Wolfe and Abele Palace. foursome with diego and wagner. fantasy threesome. Johnny Gunn worship and jack off.

Videos

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Videos

First up today is Nick Harmon on webcam. Nick was a big star for smoking hunks and did some videos for studios. He's a big time talker while jacking off which can be pretty hot. If guys talking bugs you then just turn off the sound. He even uses a dildo. Next up is Chaz Ryan. Chaz is a huge guy. As you will very much see. The nice thing is that unlike a lot of mission 4 muscle videos he's not really belittling the audience like a lot of guys on that site do. Third up is Tanner reeves flip flopping. It is a bit of a vintage scene, but it's still hot none the less. I always watching Tanner because he always seems to enjoy having sex. Then we have Aiden shaw fucking derek cruise. In the description it mentioned something about being the first time Derek was ever fucked on screen. I don't know if that's true or if he ever did it again, but certainly fun to watch. Last up we have two guys fucking while another guy watches. It takes place in a "public" bathroom. Always have to wonder how often stuff like this really happened and still happens.

Videos

Well apparently blogger has changed its mind about banning adult content. Which I can honestly say is nice. Will say knowing that my blog was going to be put private made it really hard to post. So to celebrate I'm doing a special saturday post. First up is the movie DADT in two parts. Basically the movie takes place when Don't Ask Don't Tell was enforced. Basically the army wouldn't ask if you were gay and you wouldn't tell them because if they found out you'd be discharged. So now the film makes a bit more sense. Next up is the movie Best of ray harley. Ray harley was a sexy muscle bear. I don't know where he is today, but totally had a thing for him. The dude knew how to shoot too. Third up is Chad Brock fucked in a warehouse. I sadly don't know who the top is, but holy crap is he big and hot. This is a bareback scene. That's for sure. Next up is bedtime stories 2. Just as the name would suggest it's a bunch of fantasy sex bed time stories. It's a pretty nice story that's for sure. Then we have Jack Van dean, Brad (jason) davis, and damien. I can't remember what movie this was from, but it's still hot. For those that are fans of muscle bears you'll like this one. Last up is Brad Kalvo fucking victor west. Sex shop plus trying on underwear need I say more. I think I'm more jealous of Brad in this one. Victor is one hot bottom that's for sure.

Looks like this is goodbye

This is not something I've wanted to do, but looks like I'll have to close this blog. Thanks to bloggers new Terms of service this blog will be forced to go private. In fact every blog on blogger will go private if it has adult content. Here is the letter I got.

Adult content policy on Blogger

Starting March 23, 2015, you won't be able to publicly share images and video that are sexually explicit or show graphic nudity on Blogger.
Note: We’ll still allow nudity if the content offers a substantial public benefit, for example in artistic, educational, documentary, or scientific contexts.

Changes you’ll see to your existing blogs

If your existing blog doesn’t have any sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video on it, you won’t notice any changes.
If your existing blog does have sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video, your blog will be made private after March 23, 2015. No content will be deleted, but private content can only be seen by the owner or admins of the blog and the people who the owner has shared the blog with.

Settings you can update for existing blogs

If your blog was created before March 23, 2015, and contains content that violates our new policy, you have a few options for changing your blog before the new policy starts:

• Remove sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video from your blog
• Mark your blog as private

If you’d rather take your blog down altogether, you can export your blog as a .xml file or archive your blog's text and images using Google Takeout.

Effect on new blogs

For any blogs created after March 23, 2015, we may remove the blog or take other action if it includes content that is sexually explicit or shows graphic nudity as explained in our content policy.

I don't know if I'll reopen on tumblr or just give it up all together. All I have to say is that I'll talk about it on my twitter account. Like I said that's if I decide to reopen it. As some of you have seen I've kinda lost that spark of blogging. It was really fun starting off, but now that I have less time I just haven't really gotten into the swing. So I'll probably just post the videos I have as they are starting tomorrow and if they are down they are down if they are up they are up.  Any posts that I do post will have a link back to this post just in case some people missed it.

Videos

First up today is Fransico fucking brock landon. The last time I posted a video with Brock there was a lot of positive feedback. So I'm kinda lucky that I found another one shortly after posting that one. In this one Brock is the bottom. Basically it's a study break. Good break if you ask me. Next up is Tim Mountain a.k.a.Thomas Mach and any other alias he's used. Sadly this is only the 2nd part of the video. When I originally posted it there was the first part, but it got deleted. This part is more of posing and jacking off. Third up is Andreu and peter. This one really screams Kristen Bjorn in a good way. You have two very hot guys going at it and there being this chemistry. I've never really found a scene from them I didn't like because they know how to get the best out of their actors. Next up is the full movie locker room wrestling. I've posted clips from this movie before. This is the full version. Basically it starts with a bit of wrestling and then eventually guys get nude and well start having sex. There are a lot of big guys in this one. Last up is Martin Mazzo and Edu boxer. This one is a bit more of the rougher side of sex. Not 50 shades of Grey rough, but more so than most of the stuff I post. Then again it is from a studio called Hardkink. Happy Valentine's day guys.

First up today is Jalil flip flopping. Not going to lie this is a very hot scene. Two very hot guys going at it. Another one of the few scenes I can watch from start to finish without skipping and it always gets me to cum or come way close. Next up is a fantasy that I'm sure a few of us have had. In this scene a guy gets fucked by his trainer in the gym. I've always believed that after workout sex is some of the best sex since you are all pumped up from the workout. Third up is mark slade at it again. Even though Mark continues to maintain he's straight and has done some straight stuff he always comes back to gay porn. Then we have Adam Russo playing a step dad having some fun with his step son. It does take awhile to start, but I think the pre-fuck dialog kinda helps the fantasy. Makes it seem a bit more believable which as a result makes it hotter in my opinion. Next up is a boy getting fucked by an alpha dog. Honestly I wish I could remember the tops name because he's such a sexy daddy. And defiantly an alpha in the sack. Certainly would make me shoot huge as well. Last up we have Chris Steele fucking. It's the final scene from Ranger Steele. This one I found back at the height of my Chris Steele crush. Plus I found out that he lived in Dallas which was not far away from where I lived which made this scene super hot for me. Then to see him lift up the bottom like that it's just so hot. And both guys clearly enjoy it.

Videos

First up today is Brock Landon fucked by Fabian. Both guys start off by doing a bit of posing before getting down to business. What I will say about Brock is that he tends to bottom for bigger guys and tops twinks. Which is pretty hot. Next up you have to two studs picking up a twink. It's scenes like that prove why I like overseas stuff. The chemistry is really there plus they often do multiple cumshots per scene. Sadly you don't see a lot of studios doing that now. Third up is Duke Miller getting fucked. This is the final scene in the movie Married Cops Do. Basically it centers around cops and what happens on the job. I think this was the first time Duke was fucked on camera. Next up is a bodybuilder getting worshiped, dancing, then finally jacking off. The sound for this doesn't work so just mute it. Otherwise you get this weird in and out noise during the whole thing. I don't know this guy's name sadly. Lastly we have two pumped up aussies. Really no more needs to be said. I swear guys from Australia are so hot. Must be something in the air or all that sun, or maybe it's escaping from all the things that can kill you there.

Videos

Gotta apologize again. I said I would be better this year, but I have been busy and not feeling well. I'm going to try to post at least twice a week. More would be better, but not going to make promises I may not be able to keep. Plus I know at my old pace a lot of guys were complaining they were missing videos so I slowed down and well slowed a bit too much. On to the videos. First up is Daddy Sal and Paul Carrigan. This is one of those wrestling/fucking videos. The wrestling isn't the super hot part the fucking is. And both guys really shot at the end. Certainly a hot one. Next up is Adam Reich. Just a heads up that sometimes the video does lag. He's not one of my favorites, but I'm sure a lot of you would enjoy this one. Third up we have a big guy getting sucked off. On a side note I wish NYSM would really pay attention to their editing when it comes to giving credit. I must say for a "straight" guy he sure seemed to really get into having a guy suck him off and rub him all over. Watch and you'll see what I mean. Last up we have a bit of muscle worship and fucking. One thing Manavenue does well is find some really buff guys and play to that. One day I probably will subscribe for a month, but until then I'll take what I can get. Wouldn't mind finding these guys and really going at them.

Videos

First up we have two waiters in the kitchen. All I have to say is that the top is so hot. I wish I knew his name. If you like hairy muscular daddies then you will love watching this guy. Just fyi there is no preview thumbnail, but I did check it (along with the 3rd video) so you just have to click play. Next up is Danny fucking fabian. Danny is a huge guy. It is kinda obvious that he's gay for pay, but he does know how to fuck. And not only that, but the guy is a shooter. Both guys are. Third up is a customer getting fucked by the cable guy. This is from a movie from surge studio which was founded by Al Parker. He always found some good looking guys and made his scenes very well. Just flat out yum. Next up is Wagner and Darius. Just fyi birds chirp in this video. So if you aren't prepared and listening in your headphones it will startle you. Now back to the video. It starts outdoors then moves into an inside location. You also see Wagner fuck Darius while holding him up which of course is my big weakness. Next up is Wagners boyfriend Diego flipping with D.O. I know this violates my non Lucas entertainment posting, but well look at it. Both guys are just really into each other. And if you don't blow during the scene you certainly will when the guys shoot. Clearly both guys were really into each other. Cum was everywhere. Last up is a bunch of guys in the basement. This is a scene from the movie Jock Parks. It's from Dragon Media and has its staples. A bunch of "straight" guys watching straight porn and eventually getting it on with each other. Matthew ford is the only one who gets fucked. Will say if you want to see the roles reversed get the full movie. You have no idea how hot it is to see a huge guy get fucked until you see him get fucked by Ford.