And crossroads once again

Well a bit has happened this weekend. Friday I met up with this guy from grindr. He was the one that wanted to come over to cuddle then didn't. He surprised me by showing up on Friday and he was at my place until 2am. It seemed like there was a connection and that the reason he didn't show up before was cold feet. So I asked him out on a date on Sunday. I even cleaned my place. We were suppose to have dinner then a movie. And then it started. We were talking about meeting around 4 and he was moving slow so he just was getting into the shower. Then his mom made him dinner and he couldn't just say no. Said he'd be over as soon as he was done. Then it turned to 6....6:30 and still nothing. He then knocked and comes in. We watch a movie and we go at it, but I just kinda got a weird feeling. Well we talked afterwards. His ex texted him asking to come pick up the dog. They share custody of the dog. The ex is suppose to have her until monday night. So once again plans changed.
All this has me thinking that the guy isn't ready for a guy. He has a new job he's starting, lives with his money, not a lot of extra money, shares custody of a dog with his ex who he clearly can't stand. Just not sure how ready for all that I am. Not so sure I'm ready for anyone. Going to be a lot of thinking. Luckily my friend will be coming this week and maybe he can help me straighten out.

Starting to think about the next one

I'm starting to think about the next guy I may or may not end up with. What I mean is that I'm thinking about what I want out of the next guy I get in a relationship with, assuming I get into one at all. There are a lot of things that I try to avoid thinking about (age, height, weight, build, basically anything physical), and other things I try to think about. For one I need a guy that isn't attached to me at the hip. A guy that will call me out on some of the bullshit I deal with. One thing with Bear is that he was very passive. Then when he did try to get involved he got way over involved. I say things like I don't like how I look. His response would be, "oh you are so sexy, you should wear tighter clothes to show off your body, there isn't anything for you to be ashamed up, I'm the ugly one." That may sound all fine and dandy to some of you, but for me it didn't address what I said or make me feel secure. What I need is simply a firm, "babe you are sexy. Just deal with it. It's one of the many things I love about you." The difference being that he has said he finds me sexy along with saying there are other things he loves about me besides my body. He made it a clear fact. He didn't try to make me wear something that he knows I hate doing to show off. Bear would want me in tight clothes (which I feel I have no business ever wearing), but get super jealous if a guy looked at me. 

Basically I need a guy that will take the time to learn about me. Not just think he knows me. A guy that will challenge me to become better. That can understand when to stop pushing. I admit I'm a picky eater, but Bear took it upon himself to force me to try new things. That's not how I work. Order something and just ask me to take a bite. If I say no move on. I'll eventually ask to take a bite. Bear would force me to try it and thus make me hate whatever it was. My mom use to make me do that with burgers. I hated burgers, but I had to eat three bites no matter how sickening it was for me. Yes Bear knew about that. 

I just need a grounded guy. For the most part I'm grounded, but when I get off I can either fix myself or get worse. If I feel I can't I reach out and I just need someone to listen and hold my hand. I need a partner emotionally as well as physically. I'll take my time to learn you and what you want. Need the same. 

Now to stay up

So now I have to not let flakey guys get to me this week. So basically I started this week with at least 3 days of sex planned and one guy I was chatting with to set something up to well no one. This guy who messaged me wanting to cuddle and come over flaked on me. My friend from texas is feeling down and just wants to be alone which I get. Not mad at him for not feeling up to it. Plus I know he doesn't flake. Well the other guy we were suppose to play with is sick. And he's suppose to be out of town today. Lastly is the guy I was chatting with to play with. Yesterday I messaged him and I got nothing. Now with him I'm not sure if he's a flake yet. Last I chatted with him his siblings had recently found out they had cancer. Well one knew they had it and the other just found out. Now if that is true (and it's sad that I have to say if it's true) then I can understand him not being real chatty so I'm going to just see what happens. He has my number if he wants to talk and I did tell him if he needed to talk just let me know. So right now I'm kinda feeling a bit pent up and a bit rejected. I know these are things that don't have anything to do with me, but I can't help feeling like it's on me.
So I'm going to try to remember it isn't me. It's them, but well....still hurts and still sucks.

It's tuesday

Today is going to be a long day. I had yesterday off and now I have to go into work and most likely will have overtime. Just wears on you.
Yesterday was nice had a fun cookout. Had some good company I got to hang out with. Will say that I did once again have to deal with flakey guys. I've redownloaded grindr and it's pretty much how I remember. A guy gets all hot and heavy then when the time comes he just vanishes or comes up with an excuse. Yesterday I had this guy who was so interested in meeting and setting up a time to meet. Now I hear nothing from him. Had a guy that was so wanting to come over and cuddle and what not. Then all of a sudden his mom called and he had to stop by there. Then it was oh yeah I can't make it. Get's old of course. So I just move on. If a guy isn't interested then there is nothing I can do. I'm not going to track a guy down. They get one shot at me reaching out and hearing nothing before I just stop trying. They can reach out if they really want me to fuck them.
Well off I go to get ready for work.....again....blah.

Good birthday

So I had a really good birthday. My friend came down and surprised me. We had a nice day of relaxing. We also reconnected and things felt much better. The other day we had this huge argument which lead to arguments with others and well we got it patched up. He also introduced me to a friend of his who I had quite a bit of fun with. I think the reason why I was able to enjoy it was because for once I was able to have 0 expectation. I literally didn't make a big deal about it. Said nothing to anyone at work about it being my birthday. Didn't try to make any plans with anyone. That really helped me just enjoy the day. Enjoy anything that did happen.
I also feel better about dealing with my crush. I actually feel like I really can just let whatever happens happen. I don't feel like I have to say or do something. I don't feel like I'll be alone forever. I think it also helps that my birthday has passed. The time before my birthday my emotions do run a bit high. Once it passes I'm usually back to being pretty grounded. Plus I have tomorrow off so it should be a good day. Should be a good monday for sure.